Cowell Sends Urchins Back To Workhouse

STREET urchins Diversity are to be returned to the workhouse on half rations after humiliating their master in front of the prime minister.

Lord Simon Cowell set about the urchins with a stiff birch rod after a shameful performance outside 10 Downing Street during which the one that looks like an Ewok was dropped on his head.

They will now be returned to Lord Cowell's workhouse on rations of one small, rotten parsnip per week and be forced to make doilies and antimacassars without respite, until they either die of exhaustion or are sucked into the deadly machinery.

His Lordship said: "I gave those sinful wretches an opportunity for music hall fame and they repay me with such nauseatingly abominable incompetence as to make a mockery of my good nature.

"Had the toads spent more time rehearsing instead of eating sweets and indulging in foul acts of self-pollution, they may have lived beyond their teens."

He added: "Damn them their wretched hides! Damn them all to hell!"

Earlier this week solo dance urchin George Sampson was caught by guards during an attempted escape from Lord Cowell's dark satanic mill of dreams, and thrashed to within an inch of his life before being sold on to a sadistic chimney sweep with repulsive tendencies.

Mr Sampson Esq, the father, said: "T'weren't the lad's fault. The Lord Cowell did give 'im only tuppence a DVD, even though 'e 'imself did make at least a shillin' on each one.

"On top of this Lord Cowell did invoice 'im for production and promotion costs, meaning there weren't enough left for even a small bowl of the thinnest, most meagre stew.

"Still, at least George will have lots of 'appy memories to take with 'im up all them chimneys."

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TUC Backs Workplace Tit Ban

BRITAIN'S trade unions have called for a ban on workplace tits, claiming they are demeaning to women and could block fire exits.

The TUC conference in Liverpool backed a motion condemning workplace boob culture and called on employers to make it easier for women to wear flat, sensible breasts.

Lorraine Hayes, a Unison shop steward from Doncaster, told delegates: "We're not being killjoys. Big boobs can block designated escape routes and carry a suffocation risk.

"We've all seen the noted workplace documentary Carry On Doctor, where Hattie Jacques almost smothers a defenceless Kenneth Connor while trying to take his temperature."

The conference backed a motion for comprehensive risk assessments to be carried out on workplace knockers with any tits deemed hazardous to be cordoned off with yellow boob tape.

Robin Askwith, managing director of the Cheeky Chappy Window Cleaning Company, said: "I am absolutely committed to gender equality in my workplace, therefore I will ensure there is no breach in health and safety by inspecting all the knockers myself."

He added: "Anyone with really huge melons will be offered boob management training aimed at helping them to handle their own and each other's charlies.

"The sessions will be facilitated by myself, in my jacuzzi, on dates to correspond with my wife going to see her sister in Australia."

But Tory MP Nadine Dorries dismissed the TUC's health and safety concerns, adding: "I'm five foot three and need every inch of my fabulous rack to ensure my male colleagues don't look me in the eye."