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David Attenborough unable to talk about anything without sounding like he's taking the piss

SIR David Attenborough has complained that whenever he says anything at all to anyone, it is treated like he is performing a parody of a nature documentary.

The 99-year-old national treasure insisted that when he is shouting down the stairs for more loo roll it is not intended to evoke the considered, explanatory tone of his famous voiceovers.

He continued: “Only yesterday I was in a production office kitchen helping a colleague heat lunch. I said, ‘The sleeve is removed and the film lid is pierced several times. Only then can the meal be heated safely.’

“They laughed and said, ‘Brilliant! Microwave Planet! Say it again so I can TikTok it!’

“Last week I returned a pair of trousers to M&S, telling a shop assistant, ‘A thread is loose on the waistband. A replacement is required.’ Only to get a shit quip about Walking With Trousers before they called their supervisor over.

“Even at home it’s the same. A decade ago, I told my wife: ‘The marriage is no longer working. Conversation has run dry. Divorce is now imperative.’ She replied ‘You sound just like yourself! Priceless!’

“The only consolation is that soon, as is the natural order of things, life will soon come to an end.

“No, that’s not me doing the thing.”

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The gentrifier's guide to the Notting Hill Carnival

YOU live in Notting Hill and have therefore won, but there’s an annual weekend where people come to your area, dance about and commit light crime. Here’s how to pretend you don’t mind: 

Expect your neighbours to pop off for the weekend

The Saturday of the Bank Holiday weekend is marked by the sound of electric vehicles quietly departing for second homes and shopkeepers boarding up windows. Inhale the community spirit as they share nails, swig from hip flasks and make peace with whatever they lose in not selling Diptyque candles not making up for the shattered glass.

Dress up and eat

There’s a party celebrating black culture on your doorstep and you should dress accordingly, but not in such a way that you’ll get cancelled. Leave the Barbour and wellies in the hall. Yes, there will be jerk chicken. Yes, it will be better than the Caribbean small plates you paid £19 for in Shoreditch. But don’t approach the ambulances if you get heartburn, they’re for stab wounds only.

Don’t inhale

You may think you smoked weed during your 2.1 in Anthropology at Durham, but that’s nothing compared to passively inhaling this. One deep breath and whitey’s having a whitey. Don’t worry about being arrested. You are literally the last person the police will arrest.

Pray for the porters

While you’re popping down to Whole Foods for organic burrata, you’ll notice the doormen of your apartment block being rather busier than usual. Instead of bringing your Boden delivery they’re channelling Dad’s Army as they wield brooms to keep the ruffians off the stairs.

Take some photos

You’ll leave early before it gets ‘rowdy’, which is Carnival-speak for ‘before it gets good’. Still, congratulate yourself on your cultural engagement as you shuffle home, clutching a half-eaten plantain like a war trophy. Your Instagram should prove that you’re not a regular gentrifier, but an ethical one who truly appreciates the culture they’re appropriating.

Don’t invite anyone in, though

Some locals let carnivalgoers use their toilets for a small fee. You don’t need the money, thanks to your well-paying PR job and even better-paid father, but could be tempted after a few tokes on a spliff. Only allow entry to those with proof of a six-figure income, as with dating.

Avoid machetes

Good advice during your gap year trekking through Colombia and good advice now.

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