SIR David Attenborough has complained that whenever he says anything at all to anyone, it is treated like he is performing a parody of a nature documentary.
The 99-year-old national treasure insisted that when he is shouting down the stairs for more loo roll it is not intended to evoke the considered, explanatory tone of his famous voiceovers.
He continued: “Only yesterday I was in a production office kitchen helping a colleague heat lunch. I said, ‘The sleeve is removed and the film lid is pierced several times. Only then can the meal be heated safely.’
“They laughed and said, ‘Brilliant! Microwave Planet! Say it again so I can TikTok it!’
“Last week I returned a pair of trousers to M&S, telling a shop assistant, ‘A thread is loose on the waistband. A replacement is required.’ Only to get a shit quip about Walking With Trousers before they called their supervisor over.
“Even at home it’s the same. A decade ago, I told my wife: ‘The marriage is no longer working. Conversation has run dry. Divorce is now imperative.’ She replied ‘You sound just like yourself! Priceless!’
“The only consolation is that soon, as is the natural order of things, life will soon come to an end.
“No, that’s not me doing the thing.”
