Diana Was Spiderman, Claims Al Fayed

PRINCESS Diana led a secret life as a super-hero who was able to scale buildings and shoot a web-like material from her wrist, Harrods owner Mohamed Al Fayed claimed today.

Giving evidence to the inquest into Diana’s life, Mr Al Fayed said he was the only one who knew about the Princess’s crime-fighting alter ego.

He told the court in central London: “She phone me up and say, ‘Uncle Mo-Mo I am the Spideryman, I solve many crime’.

“She say I must tell no-one. She say she use spidery sense to uncover plot by dirty Greek Philip bastard to blow up Alton Towers.”

He added: “I tell her for many year I am suspecting she the Spideryman. She very agile girl with good legs who know right from wrong. It all add up.

“I tell her my people make her new Spidery-suit with matching accessory. Very nice. Good quality.

“Later she give demonstration at my home. She dress up in suit and fire web at bar stool.

“Then, all of sudden, she disappear. We search every place and no find her. Then we look up and there she is – on ceiling!”

Mr Al Fayed insisted the Princess and his son Dodi planned to marry and have seven children who they would teach to sing and dance.

He added: “It be like Sound of Music, except on yacht.”

 

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Humans Declare War On Earth-Like Planets

THE Milky Way galaxy could contain thousands of planets with conditions suitable for life and war, according to new research.

Experts at Nasa say most solar systems in the galaxy will contain rocky planets with large, flat areas perfect for epic, laser-filled battles.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of Nasa's Goddard Institute, said: "We're slowly realising that the galaxy is filled with potential enemies.

"It's incredibly exciting to look through a telescope and imagine countless alien civilisations pleading for their lives as we set fire to their crops and commandeer their livestock."

He added: "Many of these Earth-like planets will contain life forms who hold opinions that are very slightly different from ours.

"For instance, they may observe the Sabbath on a Tuesday, or worship a supernatural being who was nailed to a door.

"Either of these would provide ample justification for a long and brutal intergalactic conflict."

An international committee of scientists is calling for the majority of the world's resources to be invested in a fleet of 10 mile-long battle cruisers, armed with plasma cannons, that can hunt down Earth-like planets and reduce them to a pathetic, smouldering husk.

Meanwhile Nasa is recommending a series of 'practice wars' to be staged on the Moon so that troops can learn how to fire mortars in one-sixth gravity.