Ecclestone daughter tackles prejudice against superficiality

A BERNIE Ecclestone daughter is to front a new ITV2 series confronting anti-superficiality.

Petra Ecclestone, or perhaps the other one, will front the television series Proud to be Pointless, challenging society’s negative attitude towards people who loll about on beds fellating rolled-up £50 notes while tiny dogs in jewelled capes run around defecating all over their massive soulless houses.

Whichever daughter of the bonsai grand prix don said: “I was 17 when I discovered I was superficial.

“I’d been experiencing strong gem and fame cravings so the doctor did a test. I had to answer questions like ‘if Stephen Hawking and Peter Andre were trapped in a burning house and you could only save one of them because you were late for a Grazia shoot, who would you choose?’.”

She added: “There’s this preconception about superficial people, that they’re somehow less good than people who do things. Every minority group faces challenges, especially if they’re beautiful.

“It’s only commercial television and pretty much the entire magazine publishing industry that have ever stood up for us.

“Probably that’s why it took me so long to accept who I was. I had to learn to really stop trying to be worthwhile and embrace my inner nothing.

“Without people like me there would be no Black Eyed Peas, no Hello! Magazine, no-one to employ architects called Dino who wear eyepatches as fashion accessories and talk about their ‘vision’ for my panoramic breakfast bar.

“Now I want to pour that pro-superficiality message into the heads of ITV2 viewers via the televisual medium.”

ITV2 viewer Emma Bradford said: “You can’t really blame a young girl who’s been raised in a bottomless pit of cash for having certain shortcomings. However I do on some level blame myself for not being more like her.

“That’s why programmes like this are good, because they encourage aspiration and make you determined to inherit wealth.”


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Britain is our bitch, says Goldman Sachs

BRITAIN is Goldman Sach’s bitch and Goldman Sach’s bitch better have its money, it has been confirmed.

The investment bank said it did not want none of our smart-mouthed bullshit and we better pony up with the green or we be hurting real bad.

Looking so fine in its new coat, Goldman Sachs added: “Those muthafuckas at HMRC know who’s da shit.

“They don’t be disrespectin’ my balance sheet with all tax and shit. They see me in ma muthafuckin’ Mercedes all pimped and rockin’ and they know who da man is.

“They be all like ‘hey Goldman Sachs, you so fine, you tell me what you need brutha’. I like dat.

“An investment banking brutha like me has gots to have respect. I gots to show these muthafuckas how my shit goes down.

“So when I comes into the house and I say ‘hey Britain, take my fine new coat and fix me a sweet-ass muthafuckin’ pina colada’ you know Britain be all ‘yessir Mr Goldman Sachs sir, I’ll take your coat and fix your drink and then I’ll blow you real nice’. I like dat.”

A Treasury spokesman said: “You crazy? You won’t get me to say nuthin’ bad about Goldman Sachs. I ain’t no goddamn fool.”

Goldman Sachs added: “Damn right. They knows that if I gets angry I mights just up and move my sweet ass to Hong Kong. Get me some Asian bitches.”