Wednesday, 12th May 2021

Everything you 'need' to know about Baby Sussex

ARE you desperate to know every last detail about someone else’s baby? Read our slightly creepy guide.

What will the baby be called?

Despite being a boy, the royal baby will be called Diana, due to the British public’s obsession with the ‘People's Princess’. Other names considered by Meghan and Harry included Tyson, Adele and Boba Fett.

How much did the baby weigh?

7lb 3oz. If this information in any way enriches your life then for fuck’s sake get a hobby, even if it’s taking photos of roundabouts.

Where is the baby in the line of succession?

Sadly Baby Sussex is only 128th in line to the throne due to having lots of obscure German relatives such as Count Susan Von Grayskull of Schloss Adler, and so is likely to become a pathetic figure like Prince Charles who pretends he runs a business making biscuits.

Can you describe the birth in unnecessary detail?

Yes. Meghan’s cervix would have dilated, allowing Baby Sussex to enter her vagina. After several hours of screaming the baby would have emerged covered in mucus, followed by the royal afterbirth which is due to be interviewed tomorrow by Piers Morgan.

What will the baby be like when he grows up?

Despite Baby Sussex only being one day old, it is reasonable to speculate that he could turn into a goofy bellend like his great-uncle Prince Andrew.

When can I see the baby?

Harry and Meghan are sure to release official pictures soon, or you can break into Frogmore Cottage with a screwdriver and see the baby in person before being wrestled to the ground by four massive ex-paras.