What will happen to Britain's ice-cream vans? A five point guide

THE traditional ice-cream van and the double threat it brings to school gates – diesel fumes and sugary snacks – may soon be just a memory. But how can you sustainably repurpose your Mr Whippy? 

You can’t afford to buy, houseboats are a houseshare with rats, so why not live in an ice-cream van all year round? Bigger than most studios and you can use the chest freezer as a bath, or a spare room when friends come to stay.

Drive to Hoxton and Shoreditch for a pop-up street food experience selling sweetened micro-frozen cream spheres in natural flavours with artisanal dips, toppings, sauces and vintage Cadbury’s Flakes. Which isn’t an ice-cream van because the words are different.

Transform your van into a mobile museum commemorating Margaret Thatcher, who single-handedly invented soft-scoop ice-cream before going on to save the world. Bear in mind that serving 99s in an Iron Lady mask will be horrifically frightening to everyrone.

Just drive around playing the tunes to brighten people’s hearts. In fact bring in a live organist and string section.

Convert your van to a mobile hot-tub and drive around all winter offering 20 minutes for £2.80. It’s still seasonal work and, when you think about it, it’s no weirder than an ice-cream van.

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Elaborate sexual fantasy gets too elaborate

A MAN’S elaborate sexual fantasy has become too elaborate to be manageable, he has admitted. 

Nathan Muir has been adding to the fantasy wank-by-wank since early October and can now barely remember who half the women are or what he is meant to be doing.

He said: “It began with my sister-in-law, as is normal for all married men, and moved through her to that mate of hers who comes to parties, at which point on a whim I threw my ex-girlfriend into the mix.

“That developed into a whole harem fantasy and I was adding girls right and left – her from the school run, Emily Ratajkowski, that nice piece who did the sexual harassment presentation at work – not even keeping count.

“Next thing I know, I’m imagining I’m in some kind of Las Vegas penthouse with an entire floor full of women at my beck and call me but it’s all become so sprawling and generic it doesn’t excite me in the least any more.

“This is what being Leonardo DiCaprio must be like. I don’t envy him.”

Muir added: “I’m going back to basics. Get This Morning on.”