Experts to probe mystery of Keith Allen's 'career'

RESEARCHERS are to launch a fresh study into what Keith Allen is for.

It will be the fourth major attempt by Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, who has spent more than 20 years trying to find out how exactly Allen became moderately famous.

He said: “It’s driven me to the brink of insanity and I hear the song Vindaloo in my dreams.

“He looks like a perverted conker and his main attributes are obnoxiousness and a tiny scale model of a penis that is on public display at least five times a day.

“Is shouting a talent? Or walking out of late night Channel 4 panel shows that have been contrived simply to make you walk out of them?

“And yet he has twice as much money as me and has shagged thingy from Press Gang. Dexter Fletcher never even got a go on that.”

Professor Brubaker’s obsession has taken him deep into the shady underworld of Allen investigators.

He said: “Some call themselves ‘Listerine-ists’ and believe that Keith’s fame stems from voicing Clifford the Listerine tooth fairy.

“Then there’s the ‘Daughter-ists’ and the ‘Mates-With-New-Order-ists’.

“Personally I think it’s a conspiracy by the royal family to create a self-regarding clown who will divert media attention from Prince Philip’s peccadillo for gutting teenage prostitutes with a wavy-bladed dagger.”



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Desert Island Discs, with [REDACTED]

MUSIC has always been my first love. Well, that’s if you don’t count [REDACTED] who I had a brief but dirty fling with, back in 1979.

Those were heady years – the soundtrack was Blondie, Buggles and The Boomtown Rats, even though the Boomtown Rats were actually shit. The one song which reminds me of my romance with [REDACTED] was Love Patrol by The Dooleys.

Something, something, something
Something, something, something
Something, something, something

I’m on love patrol, and I won’t let go
Til I something, something, something
Cos I’m on love patrol, lalalalalalalala

Something, something, something

Unforgettable stuff.

Yes, I can safely say that The Dooleys were my favourite band. Well, actually that’s not strictly true, but I’m not allowed to mention [REDACTED] as I’m currently involved in a legal battle to have my name airbrushed from their authorised biography which mentions my alleged presence at a bubble-wrap skat orgy.

My second choice is a record by an old mucker of mine. Oh, and before I go any further – don’t worry, I’ve run this one by the legal eagles and they’ve given me the green light. Yes, this was a massive hit ‘back in the day’ – in fact I was actually there in the studio with Gary Glitter when he recorded I’m The Leader Of The Gang (I Am). They were happy, innocent, carefree days – hanging out with all the young dudes at the Walton Hop Disco, and afterwards a trip to the local amusement arcade.

Unfortunately I can’t tell you the name of my third song, who it’s by or have it played on the air as the artist has taken out an injunction preventing me from being associated with their music in any way. As I said to my lawyer, ‘what’s the big deal? It’s only fucking Cold[REDACTED]’.

My luxury would be an iPhone so I can pretend to be outraged by the number of people on Twitter who are mentioning my name, in spite of the fact it’s the sole reason sales of my latest book, CD, DVD and clothing range are currently going through the roof.

And for my book I’m going to take [REDACTED] by [REDCATED] even though I do like to read passages from it while [REDACTED] oils her [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] my [REDACTED] with a massive dildo.