Five normal things that celebrities think they're amazing for saying

CELEBRITIES believe themselves to be almost like normal people for making these unremarkable statements, and believe that to be an achievement: 


To a nonentity like you, this is the most standard form of greeting. But to a famous, this makes them God descending from the heavens to deliver a holy proclamation. Nicholas Cage knows you’ll be wetting yourself with excitement because he’s blessed you with his attention and you’ll tell everyone you meet for the rest of your life. And haven’t you?

“It’s a beautiful day”

Your non-famous eyes would be impressed with an overcast day. Celebrities all live in California, however, so their verdict on the conditions is definitive. That’s why they’ve recorded an Instagram reel documenting their breathless reaction. No point in an A-lister having an emotional response if they can’t enhance their brand with it.

“I’m so lucky”

Famous people are dimly aware they live a life which most can only dream of achieving. Contact with their dog-walker reminds them. So, to appear grounded, they pretend their wealth and awards are mere good fortune, as if they could happen to a part-time Spar employee tomorrow. While believing they deserve a trophy for this modicum of self-awareness.


If anyone of your friends said ‘wow’ it would be sarcastic. A celebrity knows a single ‘wow’ from them is a quoted endorsement to boost ticket sales or shift products worth up to $750,000. Every time they allow it to fall from their lips they’re aware they’ve turned around the life of some little person, which is why they always look so wistfully smug.

“Thank you”

You say this when getting off the bus or when an Odeon employee tells you which screen you’re in. To some extent you’re sincere. Margot Robbie, however, knows she has to make a big f**king deal about how grateful she is unless the rabid public turn on her. So she thanks everyone, all the time, meaninglessly. And we lap it up.

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Are you a workaholic like our tireless King? Take our quiz

ARE you, like King Charles, unable to stop working 16-hour days, not even taking weekends off? Find out: 

You wake up. What’s the first thing you do? 

A) Fumble for the snooze button, throw the duvet off, shower then head off to the train station in darkness to be at the office for 8am
B) Lie there making a ‘Gaah’ noise until your needs – lighting, food, the removal of bedclothes – are met by others

What are your morning working priorities? 

A) Christ, so many. Check the overnight IT reports, work out cover patterns for the next month, go over invoices, and that’s before we get to the meetings
B) A man is coming in a car to take me somewhere. I will be briefed on the way

What do you do for lunch? 

A) Crisps and a Dr Pepper at my desk, it’s all I’ve got time for
B) I am served a banquet at a ghastly provincial location where I must make conversation with a Mayor. The food is no more than adequate

What about the afternoon? 

A) All those bloody meetings wasted so much time I’m head-down non-stop just to try and get my inbox halfway cleared. By the time I look up it’s dark
B) I am taken to a place where I am required to shake up to 20 hands while being polite, then conveyed home

And the evening? 

A) Train’s late and I can’t work on it because there aren’t any seats, dinner, put the kids to bed then I’m back on my laptop. You always swear you won’t but then you have to
B) After I am bathed and dressed, meet my wife and complain about the bloody abominable day I’ve had. Still, nothing now until February


Mostly As: Workaholic? You barely put in a shift. Britain’s productivity crisis is entirely down to you and your layabout ilk.

Mostly Bs: Nobody could possibly work as hard as you do, Your Majesty. You are a shining example of hard graft for your subjects to follow.