Flood Warning As Peter Andre's Tears Form Pathetic Lake Of Sorrow

EXPERTS have warned that unless Peter Andre stops weeping over his divorce much of southern England could soon be submerged by his pathetic tears.

The 36-year-old abdomen has been crying like a teenage girl since his shiny wife left him for a another public relations exercise.

Flood scientist Dr Wayne Hayes said: "His eyes are shooting out pressurised jets of water like two big, stupid cannons of inexplicable self-pity. If left unchecked, most of Sussex will be soon be moist enough to bring on a new Triassic age with mangrove swamps and giant iguanas."

And Dr Hayes believes the situation is unlikely to resolve itself: "Every day brings new photographs of Jordan being spitroasted by polysexual nightcrawlers in some Balearic sleazepit, intensifying Pete's pathetic, hysterical grizzling."

An emergency committee led by Brigadier-General Sir Martin Bishop has been formed to tackle the crisis. He said: "We're trying to find ways to convince Peter Andre that his wife was clearly a nightmare.

"The challenge is conveying the information in a way that is sufficiently simplistic for him to be able to comprehend.

"We may use a sequence of massive crayon drawings illustrating her shortcomings, like a giant comic strip, suspended from helicopters above the tiny island on which he sits weeping.'

"Of course the other option is to simply finish him off with a harpoon."

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Man You've Never Heard Of Is Now Thing You Don't Care About

BRITISH politics was in turmoil last night after a man you have never heard of was elected to do something you couldn't care less about.

John Bercow, a small grey haired man from somewhere in England, was chosen by some other grey haired men of varying sizes to be the one who tells them when they are supposed to say things and when they are supposed to be quiet.

As the new Speaker of the Place that Bores You Shitless, one of Mr Bercow's first tasks will be to make it sound as if he is reforming it without actually doing anything of the sort.

He has already outlined plans to give MPs fewer holidays but more days off and wants the chairmen of select committees to be chosen based on their ability to walk in high heels across a desk while carrying a medicine ball.

But the new Speaker's biggest challenge will be to devise fresh and exciting ways to slip MPs £24,000 a year to spend on vibrating furniture and medieval landscape gardening.

In time-honoured tradition Mr Bercow had to be dragged to the Speaker's chair and its burdensome £144,000 a year salary, chauffeur driven car and free house.

He is also believed to be the shortest Speaker of the Commons since that dumpy woman who used to be a stripper and looked like Mrs Slocombe from Are You Being Served?.

Experts said the biggest mistake the MPs had made was electing a Speaker who was also a member of parliament.

Bill McKay, of Reading University, said: "I was hoping they would go for something radical but effective like Basil Brush, or a tuna and sweetcorn sandwich. Or then again, perhaps they should just have gone for a novelty candidate like Anne Widdecombe."