EXPERTS have warned that unless Peter Andre stops weeping over his divorce much of southern England could soon be submerged by his pathetic tears.
The 36-year-old abdomen has been crying like a teenage girl since his shiny wife left him for a another public relations exercise.
Flood scientist Dr Wayne Hayes said: "His eyes are shooting out pressurised jets of water like two big, stupid cannons of inexplicable self-pity. If left unchecked, most of Sussex will be soon be moist enough to bring on a new Triassic age with mangrove swamps and giant iguanas."
And Dr Hayes believes the situation is unlikely to resolve itself: "Every day brings new photographs of Jordan being spitroasted by polysexual nightcrawlers in some Balearic sleazepit, intensifying Pete's pathetic, hysterical grizzling."
An emergency committee led by Brigadier-General Sir Martin Bishop has been formed to tackle the crisis. He said: "We're trying to find ways to convince Peter Andre that his wife was clearly a nightmare.
"The challenge is conveying the information in a way that is sufficiently simplistic for him to be able to comprehend.
"We may use a sequence of massive crayon drawings illustrating her shortcomings, like a giant comic strip, suspended from helicopters above the tiny island on which he sits weeping.'
"Of course the other option is to simply finish him off with a harpoon."