DESPITE decades of documentaries, costumes and gay lovers, here are the people your dad is convinced were just a bit flamboyant.
Elton John
He married a woman, which is proof enough as far as your dad is concerned. True, the relationship didn’t work out, but neither did your parents’. And that wasn’t because your old man’s eyes lingered on the models in GQ for too long. No, it was your mum shagging her Pilates instructor that was the main problem.
Kenneth Williams
He was around in the seventies, which for your dad was a pre-woke utopia free from any of this modern LGBTQ nonsense. That rubbish only came in with New Labour. Williams’ voice was one of lifelong bachelorhood. He was an actor and they love being theatrical. Just like your uncle Jeremy and his personal dresser Chris.
Boy George
Despite not dressing in the most traditionally blokeish way, your dad is convinced that he clearly prefers girls. Sure, he’s an eccentric fellow, but he could have only got all that expert make-up advice from spending time with the fairer sex. Besides, it would take a man totally comfortable in his roaring heterosexuality to pull off that look.
George Michael
Think about all those music videos where he’s with fit ladies. Careless Whisper, Last Christmas, Freedom. That last one had supermodels in it. ‘You mean to say George Michael shot a video with Cindy Crawford and never had even a semi on?’ is your dad’s thinking. He’s even wearing a manly leather jacket for Christ’s sake.
Freddie Mercury
In your dad’s eyes he can’t be gay because he had a big moustache. That would tickle blokes during a blowy and they wouldn’t like it. He sang about wanting to break free, clearly a song about the thrill of heterosexual marriage. And he had a girlfriend called Mary who he called his ‘common law wife’. That fella Jim was just a mate who looked weirdly like him.
Liberace
A man with that kind of piano playing dexterity clearly has fingers built for fondling fannies. Why do you think he wore all that sparkly shit and sang all those ditties? To seduce birds of course. Always denied he was gay and even sued a newspaper that said he was. As would your dad.
Rock Hudson
Rock Hudson was all man and porking Doris Day to boot. He can’t have been a player of the pink oboe being in all those romantic movies with female fans throwing themselves at him. Plus he was in Dynasty, and what gay fella could be interested in that show?
The Village People
In your dad’s opinion there’s nothing questionable about these ultra-macho lads. What could possibly be homoerotic about a cop, cowboy and biker singing about being in the navy? They’re simply enjoying each other’s gruff company. It’s effeminate rockers like Axl Rose you have to worry about being secret woofters.
