SCIENTISTS have discovered consuming pasta shaped like the male genitalia heightens sexual desire and boosts bedroom performance by 150 per cent.
The shaped pasta, commonly given as a gift at hen nights, is not the cheap, easy gag it is too often treated as but is actually nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most households have a pack of penis pasta buried deep in a kitchen cupboard. If only they knew they were sitting on the secret to sexual fulfilment.
“For 98 per cent of participants, a large serving of the dong-shaped card in a silky butternut squash sauce made them feel not bloated but extraordinarily horny. Indeed, they attempted to seduce the observing researcher by flashing their tits.
“A serving at every meal would make ours a nation of lovers, barely putting the pan in to soak before three-hour lovemaking sessions taking them to new realms of pleasure.”
Nikki Hollis, who participated in the study, confirmed the phallic Italian delicacy has transformed her marriage. She said: “Something about looking at a big bowl of dicks and then putting them in my mouth got me, weirdly, thinking about sex.
“Forget oysters. Forget dark chocolate and chilli peppers. The key to passionate sex and multiple orgasms is penis pasta.”
Husband Nathan said: “I’m sure she’s right, but I can’t eat any in case it makes me gay.”
