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Penis pasta 'a potent aphrodisiac'

SCIENTISTS have discovered consuming pasta shaped like the male genitalia heightens sexual desire and boosts bedroom performance by 150 per cent. 

The shaped pasta, commonly given as a gift at hen nights, is not the cheap, easy gag it is too often treated as but is actually nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Most households have a pack of penis pasta buried deep in a kitchen cupboard. If only they knew they were sitting on the secret to sexual fulfilment.

“For 98 per cent of participants, a large serving of the dong-shaped card in a silky butternut squash sauce made them feel not bloated but extraordinarily horny. Indeed, they attempted to seduce the observing researcher by flashing their tits.

“A serving at every meal would make ours a nation of lovers, barely putting the pan in to soak before three-hour lovemaking sessions taking them to new realms of pleasure.”

Nikki Hollis, who participated in the study, confirmed the phallic Italian delicacy has transformed her marriage. She said: “Something about looking at a big bowl of dicks and then putting them in my mouth got me, weirdly, thinking about sex.

“Forget oysters. Forget dark chocolate and chilli peppers. The key to passionate sex and multiple orgasms is penis pasta.”

Husband Nathan said: “I’m sure she’s right, but I can’t eat any in case it makes me gay.”

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Your landlord, and other calls that are a real dilemma to pick up mid-wank

YOU don’t want to answer the phone during your sexual ‘me time’, but it could be important. Here’s what you need to consider, depending on who it is.

Your manager

Are you getting fired? Did they find out about what you said about them in that email chain? But is the thought of them sternly telling you off not slowing you down at all and you’ve just discovered a kink you didn’t know you had? These are all questions that are worth stopping to think about, but you’re not going to.

Your mum

All the Freudian issues this call raises are bad enough, but the main problem is that you know your mum will be on your case if you ignore her. Is answering mid-wank better or worse than not answering at all? Is there a special circle of Hell you’ll be damned to if you do both? Luckily the deeply unerotic thought of you mum droning on about your father’s bladder problems has called an end to proceedings as far as your penis is concerned.

Your landlord

When was the last time your landlord called with good news? When was the last time they called at all? They might be calling you to tell you the neighbours can see what you’re doing and you need to close the curtains, or you might be about to become homeless. Best not to answer – you just won’t be able to enjoy your depraved internet filth after that.

Your partner

Wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend – whichever they are, they’re still not the porn actor you’re trying to mentally picture yourself doing the nasty with right now. Whether you should answer depends on how healthy your relationship is. They might appreciate that you’re a sexual being and not be fazed by some harmless, perfectly natural masturbation. Or they might instantly dump you for being a horrible sleazy bastard, and from now on you’ll be spending a lot more time on Pornhub than you want to. It’s your call.

An unrecognised number but it has your area code

Okay, a number you don’t know, that’s obviously spam, you can ignore that and get on with your grubby onanism. But a call from a landline? A landline in your town or city? That adds a layer of mystery to the situation. It’s a test of character – are you intellectually curious enough to answer, or are you a sinful beast devoid of any thoughts except self-gratification? Yep, that one’s not getting answered.

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