Subscribe

Couple gleefully steals whole bank holiday weekend for wedding

A BRIDE and groom are so thrilled with themselves they have stolen a nationally-mandated four-day weekend of freedom from more than 100 people. 

The couple agreed their desire not to f**k other people is so powerful it necessitated a three-night hotel stay with meals and expensive activities for friends and relatives to resentfully endure.

Bride Eleanor Shaw said: “We really wanted to make it an occasion. That’s why there were hen and stag dinners yesterday, a marquee party today, the actual wedding tomorrow and the pagan ceremony on Monday so no sneaking off early.

“That way, people who will never see each other again really get chance to bond, cementing how amazing our partnership is. Why wouldn’t the best man’s plus one want to really get to know my Auntie Sara?

“Four whole days to stretch out and luxuriate in our wedded bliss. What could be a better, more memorable way to spend four days off work? Beats the usual lie-in, afternoon drinking and a wank any day.”

Friend Joshua Hudson said: “I worked with a man and we got on well. For that crime I am sentenced to this. It’s the price of a mini-break in Valetta, but for fully three Premier Inn continental breakfasts in a row.

“You really forget how much fun it is to sit with the same couple you hated on the Friday right through until the Sunday, in various stages of hungover while yearning to be at home trimming a hedge.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Your landlord, and other calls that are a real dilemma to pick up mid-wank

YOU don’t want to answer the phone during your sexual ‘me time’, but it could be important. Here’s what you need to consider, depending on who it is.

Your manager

Are you getting fired? Did they find out about what you said about them in that email chain? But is the thought of them sternly telling you off not slowing you down at all and you’ve just discovered a kink you didn’t know you had? These are all questions that are worth stopping to think about, but you’re not going to.

Your mum

All the Freudian issues this call raises are bad enough, but the main problem is that you know your mum will be on your case if you ignore her. Is answering mid-wank better or worse than not answering at all? Is there a special circle of Hell you’ll be damned to if you do both? Luckily the deeply unerotic thought of you mum droning on about your father’s bladder problems has called an end to proceedings as far as your penis is concerned.

Your landlord

When was the last time your landlord called with good news? When was the last time they called at all? They might be calling you to tell you the neighbours can see what you’re doing and you need to close the curtains, or you might be about to become homeless. Best not to answer – you just won’t be able to enjoy your depraved internet filth after that.

Your partner

Wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend – whichever they are, they’re still not the porn actor you’re trying to mentally picture yourself doing the nasty with right now. Whether you should answer depends on how healthy your relationship is. They might appreciate that you’re a sexual being and not be fazed by some harmless, perfectly natural masturbation. Or they might instantly dump you for being a horrible sleazy bastard, and from now on you’ll be spending a lot more time on Pornhub than you want to. It’s your call.

An unrecognised number but it has your area code

Okay, a number you don’t know, that’s obviously spam, you can ignore that and get on with your grubby onanism. But a call from a landline? A landline in your town or city? That adds a layer of mystery to the situation. It’s a test of character – are you intellectually curious enough to answer, or are you a sinful beast devoid of any thoughts except self-gratification? Yep, that one’s not getting answered.

Next story ›