GUY Ritchie has refused a divorce settlement with Madonna and is instead planning to scam her out of '500 large' with the help of his Cockney mates.
Actor Jason Statham will pose as hard gambling Kaballah rabbi Abraham 'Uncle Uzi' Uziwitz to lure the singer into a rigged game of three card brag.
Ritchie's East End chinas 'Toulouse Sausage' and 'Cillit Bang' complete the fraud posing as the Hindu mystic poker players 'Hatchet' Hari Kumar and Rajju 'Turban Bob' Bhaharama.
One friend said: "The set up is so simple, it's genius. First Jason 'accidentally' bumps into Madonna at the gym when she's boxing Gorgeous Geoff, the gay Romany fish monger.
"He lets slip that Ray Liotta is planning a diamond heist, but in fact he's running a tyre factory that's really a front for a Bangladeshi heroin co-operative.
"Meanwhile Kumar, Rajju and Dexter Fletcher steal a stash of ham from Boris 'Russian Larry' Bovovich, who's just murdered Frankie Fifty-Knuckles for forgetting to pay his congestion charge."
He added: "Suddenly, there is an enormous shoot out and everyone dies, apart from Robert Downey Jnr who is last seen driving away in an open-top Ferrari laughing like a madman.
"Then Leslie Phillips, whose been posing as 'Gary the Gent', kills Madonna with an antique rowing machine and Guy gets all the kids, except the black one, which he gives to Bono for a briefcase full of diamonds."