Harry and Meghan's guide to finding worthy things to do all day

ARE you a wealthy celebrity couple with time on your hands? Here the Duke and Duchess of Sussex explain how to fill the empty hours with good causes.

HARRY: I like to get up early and search the internet for causes that haven’t been done yet, like the almost-extinct Indonesian Spider Turtle. Those cute little guys, with their eight hairy legs and massive fangs. Aw.

MEGHAN: I’m currently focusing on Black Lives Matter, but once we’ve solved racism I’ll stop climate change. Thunberg’s had her chance.

HARRY: I’m getting quite into the exploitation of African countries by the British Empire, because it was basically my relatives who did it. Sorry guys. So once we’ve been served lunch and my PA and driver arrive, I’m right on the case.

MEGHAN: It’s really important to raise the profile of less well-known causes, and if we can use our celebrity status to do it, why not? And let’s face it, Suits isn’t coming back and it would be weird if I was in it now.

HARRY: I feel the best way to address injustice is to sit awkwardly in front of Skype, leading to embarrassing speculation that Meghan may be forcing me to do it, which is nonsense. The truth is I’ve got literally nothing else to do.

MEGHAN: I’m glad you feel that way. Now look directly into the webcam and stop checking your bald patch in the little box.

HARRY: I’ve been reading a lot about the plight of Eritrean share-croppers and… shit, Chebby’s calling from my old regiment! He’s in town this weekend! Great, we can go and get thoroughly wankered.

MEGHAN: Not this weekend babe, the Obamas are over, remember? We’re discussing motivational nudge strategies to enfranchise the underclass. And comparing our Netflix deals.

HARRY: F**king hell.

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Pizza delivery man quits after ten years without shagging one single customer

A PIZZA delivery man has finally quit his job after not having sex with a single customer during his decade-long career.

Ryan Whittaker took the job aged 19 because he was between girlfriends and thought that an endless series of no-strings encounters with bored horny students and home-alone MILFs would be just the thing, but has been badly disappointed.

He said: “Ten years and not a sniff. Was it all a big lie? Have I been the fool, all along?

“I almost quit within the first month, when it became apparent that the average attractiveness of the customers was well below the level I’d come to expect, but I didn’t want to waste my fortnight’s training.

“A decade later and I’ve never had a cougar answer the door naked. Not even once. Do they even think about our feelings? Are there even cougars now?”

“Mainly it’s been fat blokes. And even when there was a woman for whom I’d be willing to risk breaching the Papa John’s code of conduct, she’s not been in the least interested.

“Young people, don’t fall for it like I did. There are way better jobs if you want casual sex, like furniture removals or electrician. I assume. Actually you know what, I’m going to look into that.”