Sunday, 9th May 2021

Harry and Meghan's guide to finding worthy things to do all day

ARE you a wealthy celebrity couple with time on your hands? Here the Duke and Duchess of Sussex explain how to fill the empty hours with good causes.

HARRY: I like to get up early and search the internet for causes that haven’t been done yet, like the almost-extinct Indonesian Spider Turtle. Those cute little guys, with their eight hairy legs and massive fangs. Aw.

MEGHAN: I’m currently focusing on Black Lives Matter, but once we’ve solved racism I’ll stop climate change. Thunberg’s had her chance.

HARRY: I’m getting quite into the exploitation of African countries by the British Empire, because it was basically my relatives who did it. Sorry guys. So once we’ve been served lunch and my PA and driver arrive, I’m right on the case.

MEGHAN: It’s really important to raise the profile of less well-known causes, and if we can use our celebrity status to do it, why not? And let’s face it, Suits isn’t coming back and it would be weird if I was in it now.

HARRY: I feel the best way to address injustice is to sit awkwardly in front of Skype, leading to embarrassing speculation that Meghan may be forcing me to do it, which is nonsense. The truth is I’ve got literally nothing else to do.

MEGHAN: I’m glad you feel that way. Now look directly into the webcam and stop checking your bald patch in the little box.

HARRY: I’ve been reading a lot about the plight of Eritrean share-croppers and… shit, Chebby’s calling from my old regiment! He’s in town this weekend! Great, we can go and get thoroughly wankered.

MEGHAN: Not this weekend babe, the Obamas are over, remember? We’re discussing motivational nudge strategies to enfranchise the underclass. And comparing our Netflix deals.

HARRY: F**king hell.