He did one f**king lesson a day, says pissed-off PE teacher

A PE teacher is sick of the fuss over Joe f**king Wicks doing one PE lesson a day for four-and-a-half months. 

As Britain calls for national treasure Wicks to be given a life peerage for jumping around in his living room for 30 minutes a day, teacher Steve Malley of Leatherhead suggested everyone get a f**king grip.

He continued: “I’ve been teaching PE for twenty bloody years. How about some recognition for that?

“Instead twinkletoes dances around with his Page 3 wife just when everyone’s at their most bored and he’s a hero. I’ve done 16 lessons a week for decades. And I cover French, but I can’t speak it so I just crack a DVD on.

“He wants to get off YouTube and spend a day here in the Bluebird Academy. We’d see how perky and motivated he is after forcing dog-rough teenagers to go on a cross country run without sneaking off for a spliff.

“He’s given up after 18 weeks? I’ve got decades to go. But somehow he’s the darling of the whole country while I’m fat, bald and barred from my local pub.”

Malley added: “18 weeks. Mind you, I’ve been here 20 years and never done that long without a half-term break.”

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Five things more oven-ready than Boris Johnson's Brexit deal

BORIS Johnson claimed to have a Brexit deal that required no more effort than a Tesco Chicken Korma for One. Turned out to be bollocks. More like these: 

A live chicken

Chickens need a lot of careful preparation before they are ready to go in the oven and come out succulent and delicious. Round Boris’s house it’s just him, Dom and their Brexit negotiating team staring at it and shouting ‘Get in the oven! Or we walk away!’


Salad is the least oven-ready foodstuff in the world because it’s not meant to go in the oven which turns it into a limp, brown mess. So slightly more oven-ready than Johnson’s Brexit deal and more palatable.

Your credit and debit cards

May as well be pools of plastic because sterling will no longer be a viable currency once the UK goes over the no-deal Brexit cliff. Will probably break the oven too, but you won’t have any food to cook in it anyway. Pot Noodles from now on. Government-issue.

Your feet

If you had wet feet and someone you trusted told you to put them in the oven to dry off, you’d do it, right? If they were charming, and clownish, and funny and offered you £350m a week? Would you start suspecting they’d lied when your skin started to shrivel and burn?

A turd

Never cooked a turd? Then how do you know it’s a bad idea? Don’t believe the so-called experts, they’ve never done it either. No way will the stench will linger throughout your house for years to come, ruining your life. And no-deal Brexit will be awesome.