Heaven hit by mysterious fires

A SPATE of restaurant fires in Heaven has been linked to Tony Soprano.

The establishments were visited by the gangster immediately after his arrival, who commented what a terrible thing it would be if something happened to them.

St Peter said: “He’s currently sat in shorts, watching the ducks fly below him and waiting for Tony Blundetto to turn up with the canoles.

“Soprano is actually a very sweet guy but when I told him his mother was up here waiting to see him he went berserk before passing out. When it happened the Holy Ghost was all like ‘hey, what the fuck?’”

Heaven is now heavily unionised, with several members of the choir of angels having been badly beaten after trying to cross a picket line.

Although still ostensibly the supreme being, it’s believed that God is running decisions past Soprano first.

All new entries into heaven have to be discussed in the back room of the afterlife’s first strip club, ‘The Ba-Da-Beatitude’, with Christians that have paid their proper afterlife protection rates given preferential treatment.

The Pope is due to have a sit-down with Soprano later this week to agree a new crop of ‘made’ saints, with a 57-year-old New Jersey man named Silvio a surprise candidate after making a truck full of fur coats miraculously disappear.

St Peter added: “The advantage of him being here for all eternity is that he’ll never leave in a cut-to-black scene that really pisses us off.”

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Sun really dislikes drumming and dreadlocks

THE sun has deliberately avoided Solstice celebrations at Stonehenge, it has emerged.

Speaking from behind a thick veil of mist, the sun said: “The relentless banging of home-made percussive instruments, the cider and the tattoos, it’s not my scene at all.

“It was ok for a bit in the 90s but I’m well over it now. Frank it’s all mildly embarrassing.

“I’m more into shining on beaches where there are lots of sexy girls with big breasts.”