How the Cambridge children's new life in Windsor will be normal just like yours

THE Cambridges are moving their family to Windsor to live a low-key life in a listed four-bed home in private grounds. Here’s how their lives will be as bog-standard as yours from now on.

They’ll be near the grandparents

George, Charlotte and Louis’ new house is just up the road from their nan’s, so their parents can easily foist them on her, just like an ordinary parent. Yes, their nan just happens to be the reigning monarch. And instead of a bungalow with horrible wallpaper that stinks of cigarette smoke, she just happens to live in a castle with 1,000 rooms – ideal for ‘normal’ games of hide and seek that last two weeks. 

They’re downsizing

The cost of living crisis is hitting average people hard. None more so than the Cambridges who will be downsizing from their 20-room pad in central London to a pokey, four-bed cottage with dodgy decor left over from previous owners, such as a ceiling covered with gilded dolphins and a marble Graeco-Egyptian fireplace. 

There’s a park nearby

The Cambridges have a modest 655-acre park on their doorstep, where they can do normal things like trout fishing and wandering along paths with cedar trees named after monarchs they are directly related to. Oh, and their family just happens to own it and have private use of it – no queuing for the swings or looking out for smashed bottles and syringes for them, depending on what mischief Uncle Andrew’s getting up to these days. 

They’ll be going to a local school

Their new school will be a 15-minute drive away like so many school runs. And they’ll probably be using public transport to get there, in the sense that their luxury Range Rover is funded by taxpayers. At school they’ll be doing a typical curriculum including Latin, bee-keeping and cooking, just like any other average child whose parents fork out £50,000 a year on fees. 

They won’t have a live-in nanny

Nanny will no longer be on hand for a quick nose-wipe at any time of day or night, and the Cambridges may also say goodbye to their housekeeper and live-in chef. Actually the staff will still be living very close by and a constant presence, so the children may not even notice they’ve gone. But for the Cambridges it’s the equivalent of going on a life swap show where they live on £51.60 a week and a diet of Super Noodles on a sink estate in Burnley.

They’ll be paying rent

Wills and Kate will have monthly rent to worry about, just like anyone else. Except if the landlord won’t fix the boiler they can pop back to the mansion the Queen gifted them in Norfolk for a spot of tennis on their private court. Or to their 20-room London pad where they once hosted Barack Obama. Just like you and… er, no, that’s just them.

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'War on woke secretary - Kemi Badenoch': Liz Truss' fantasy cabinet revealed

LIZ Truss seems certain to be the next prime minister of the increasingly dysfunctional UK. Here’s a sneak preview of the fantasy cabinet she’s already drawing up.

War on woke culture secretary – Kemi Badenoch

The only culture the Tories are interested in is woke culture, because attacking it is popular with horrible voters. Self-styled anti-woke campaigner Badenoch is ideal for the job, with her first policy being to force every member of the population to watch the episode of Fawlty Towers where the Major uses the N-word about 20 times.

Minister for tax and pork markets – Nadhim Zahawi

The only economic policies that Truss is interested in are cutting taxes and opening pork markets in Beijing, so Nadhim Zahawi can forget about all other aspects of his previous role as chancellor of the exchequer and put his feet up. It’s not like Truss is going to ask him to help people struggling to pay their energy bills or anything.

Minister for making Brexit brilliant – Jacob Rees-Mogg

Rees-Mogg will keep his job as the man gaslighting the country into thinking Brexit has any upsides but Truss will sex up the title, as it currently sounds a bit boring. She will be extra keen to get behind Brexit to disguise the fact that she was once a filthy Remainer and an even filthier Lib Dem.

Minister for sending them back to where they came from – Suella Braverman

The title ‘foreign secretary’ will be retired in favour of something that really appeals to core Conservatives and Priti Patel will be ousted in favour of the even more unpleasantly right-wing Braverman. Anyone trying to enter the country will be sent to Rwanda, even if they’re from Swindon and have just been on holiday.

Secretary of state for the nasty bits that aren’t England – Dominic Raab

Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland will become Raab’s personal fiefdom, to be used as an experiment into what happens if you remove all human rights. He will create a society of depressed, overworked, spiritually crushed serfs, but they will still be happier than those living in Truss’ England.