Six things about men they really hope women don't discuss

YOUR girlfriend’s out with the girls again, but what do they talk about? Surely nothing bad about you? Surely not any of these issues?

Your penis

What if your girlfriend’s mates all have horse-cocked partners, and she fancies trying one herself? Or maybe you’re being patronising and women have better things to talk about than penis size? Probably they never mention it because it would be rude and disrespectful. Yeah.

Overall sexual performance

Far more concerning. It could emerge that you don’t have much sexual stamina and a very limited repertoire of moves. Apart from the damage to your ego, how do you even get better at sex? Does the local college do an evening course? Watching porn for tips makes anything that isn’t MILF-stepdaughter threesomes seem unnatural.

That time you got really drunk

Being sick all over yourself is a run-of-the-mill booze anecdote with the lads. But your girlfriend’s mate Sally will ask: ‘Is he still an alcoholic?’ Now all her mates have you down as a hopeless lush who pisses the bed and is one Stella away from getting violent.

Your career

Is fine, when framed correctly. But after a wine your girlfriend might reveal you’re in a mundane office job paying barely the national average – which includes road sweepers and dog walkers – and every plan to get out of that rut has failed. It’s humiliating and you’re not even there. But they’ll surely stick to hair disasters and Ryan Gosling.

Her happiness in the relationship

It’s a normal, functioning relationship where she watches shite on the telly while you play Elden Ring in another room. Happy and loving. But ideally she wouldn’t tell her mate every detail of that in case some of them set sky-high expectations about spending the evening together and talking about stuff.

Potential boyfriends who aren’t you

Some female friends consider it delightfully mischievous to highlight a better potential boyfriend. Given your shortcomings, this is highly irresponsible. All it would take is some guy with better personal hygiene, clothes bought after 2019 and broader cultural interests than Punisher comics and you’re in deep trouble. But hopefully they won’t.

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How to explain to House of the Dragon over coffee that you can't do this again

GAME of Thrones prequel House of the Dragon is here, acting like you are into it and nothing has changed. Take it for coffee and explain it’s not happening: 

YOU: Hi…

HotD: Hey! So wow, I’m back and better than ever? Miss me? Like I even have to ask?

YOU: Yeah, so about that. I watched the first episode…

HotD: And were just so blown away. The budgets, the writing, the sheer f**king quality of the acting. You were like ‘woah, I didn’t know how badly I needed this!’ Did you notice I’m blonde now?

YOU: I did notice that. Really blonde. Like super-super blonde. It doesn’t work on you.

HotD: Okay. Criticism. Wasn’t expecting that, but we can build from it. After all, I’m going to be part of your life for the next ten years.

YOU: Glad you’ve brought it up. You see, I just don’t think I’m ready to let a fantasy epic back into my heart again. After it ended so badly last time –

HotD: Uh-nuh, we agreed we wouldn’t talk about that, remember? Turning over a new leaf and everything? I’m not that guy anymore! I’m set 200 years earlier! We couldn’t be more different.

YOU: You don’t feel different. You feel like the same old kings and dragons battling for the Iron Throne bollocks you always were. And yeah you came in all fancy, but before too long I’ll be watching three people who can’t act playing characters I can’t remember walking through a f**king field.

HotD: But… dragons! A jousting tourney! Vile, gory scenes of women being killed for male ambition! A scene in a brothel with loads of tits in?

YOU: Exactly. I’ve done it. For a while I even thought I enjoyed it. But I can’t do this again. Sorry. You… you need to go. Sorry. Goodbye.

BARISTA: Okay, that seemed really awkward.

YOU: Tell me about it. And I’m back here in two weeks with Lord of the Rings.