GOT a type? But sick of being let down by sensitive, poetic English or English-adjacent boys unworthy of your love? Here’s how to drop all that and marry a big-ass bear:
Cleanse your palate
To purge yourself of your infatuation for the wrong kind of man, you need a strong disincentive. Find a guy – ideally someone you have a longstanding crush on – who is British, pale, creative and intelligent, but is also a renowned dick. Fall for him with a mad desperation, then get dumped. Now you’re ready to move on!
Find his total opposite
Still reeling – he ditched you? That’s not how it happens – search for someone who is the exact opposite of your usual partner. A man who is big, powerful, sporty, hirsute, American, and could kick the shit out of your last five boyfriends all at once because he’s essentially a grizzly with shaved areas. That’s your type now!
Hook up with the bear
No need for complex seduction strategies with this one. Dispatch your whole folky black-and-white serious artist period to the past, and pretend you’ve always been the head cheerleader delighted to be on the arm of the quarterback! This was what you really wanted all along, despite multiple artistic statements directly contrary!
Make sure everyone sees you
Not that you’re even thinking about boring weedy artistic boys like Tom or Joe or Harry or Matty because you’re so over them, it’s ridiculous. You definitely don’t care whether they see you with your arms around your special bear after he proves he’s the best bear there is by winning the Superbowl. You’re totally indifferent to that.
Marry the bear
Because bears are simple woodland creatures who like red meat and roaring, it won’t be long before he proposes marriage. And you’ll say yes, of course, because you like how uncomplicated his ursine love is and he doesn’t do any of that irony business and also, not that it enters your head even at all, you’re 35.
Live happily ever after with the bear
This is the easiest part of all, because all you have to do is bury all those inconvenient other feelings you used to have forever, and you’re happily married to a bear. Who will soon be unemployed while you’re still getting cheered wildly by whole stadiums like he used to. But he won’t mind! He doesn’t have complex emotions like envy! He’s a bear!
