How to handle divorce the Kanye way

DIVORCE is a uniquely stressful and emotional time, so why not take lessons from a narcissistic multi-millionaire with a god complex? 

Start your mid-life crisis early

Many divorcees make the mistake of waiting until the decree nisi to spiral into leather trousers, sports cars and impending bankruptcy. Get things moving at breakneck pace with deranged outbursts, shit-ugly shoes and a doomed presidential run. Divorce will be waved through.

Change your name to one word

Your spouse abandoning your surname can be hurtful. Go one better by changing your own name to a single syllable two-letter gutteral sound. Might not have the same emotional charge but it will certainly f**king annoy them.

Surround yourself with twats

At worst they’re under investigation for allegations of sexual violence, at best they’re just rich dickheads. Fill your life with people who can call you out on your worst behaviours, then ask them how you can make those behaviours even more aggravating.

Use children as pawns

Children of divorce always look back and say they only wish their parents had used them against each other in bitter, convoluted legal batles even more. Do what’s right for them, and put their needs behind your need to rinse that extra million out of your former spouse.

Be openly resentful

Spouse moving on with someone you deem unsuitable because they’re not you? Make your disapproval very clear. Insinuate he has nefarious ulterior motives. Mutter darkly about your kids. Ignore the fact you’ve got a new girlfriend because it’s irrelevant.

Post everything to social media

Nothing harm can ever come from unleashing all of your most volatile feelings on Instagram, especially when you have 12.7 million followers. Why piss about with passive-aggressive captions? Post multiple pictures of your ex’s new bloke and photoshop his face onto a cartoon character. That’ll show her you’ve moved on.

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How old will you be when you see your first Brexit benefit?

FIVE years after the referendum and a year after Brexit, Jacob Rees-Mogg is searching for any possible benefits. So if you’re 20 now, how old will you be when it starts paying off?

2024 Brexit has been a slow puncture to the UK economy since 2020, but before the election the government announces every full English will now, by law, have a little Union Jack planted in it. Take that, Remoaners.

2030 You’re now 28. Import and export are still a problem so you take a minimum wage admin job filling out identical customs forms every day so lorries full of jam can get to Calais.

2035 Britain has been out of the EU 13 years, and its citizens are still celebrating freedoms like not having to eat raw frog and children not being forcibly taught to yodel. However these are not benefits per se.

2046 You hit middle age without reaping any tangible benefits, but to celebrate three decades of sovereignity the government bans all foreign words. Quiche lorraine is now ‘savoury bacon cake’ and baguettes are ‘English long bread’.

2049 Britain is a low-wage, deregulated economy and foreign travel is unaffordable and discouraged. During your seven days annual holiday a year, which you spend in Skegness with the kids collecting exotic turds that have washed up on the beach.

2052 Your 50th birthday is a muted celebration. Every town centre is as empty and rundown as modern-day Nuneaton and every delivery driver is a miserable Brit. You queue for an hour to buy carrot wine at the supermarket because no one understands the pre-decimal currency brought back last year.

2085 Now retired, you listen to the radio a lot. Brexiters are still proud that kippers no longer require a refrigerated pillow to be posted. You’ve never posted a kipper, but now you wish you had.

2102 A Brexit benefit has materialised! Out of necessity, Britain has developed its own satsuma industry. Unfortunately you died yesterday.