DIVORCE is a uniquely stressful and emotional time, so why not take lessons from a narcissistic multi-millionaire with a god complex?
Start your mid-life crisis early
Many divorcees make the mistake of waiting until the decree nisi to spiral into leather trousers, sports cars and impending bankruptcy. Get things moving at breakneck pace with deranged outbursts, shit-ugly shoes and a doomed presidential run. Divorce will be waved through.
Change your name to one word
Your spouse abandoning your surname can be hurtful. Go one better by changing your own name to a single syllable two-letter gutteral sound. Might not have the same emotional charge but it will certainly f**king annoy them.
Surround yourself with twats
At worst they’re under investigation for allegations of sexual violence, at best they’re just rich dickheads. Fill your life with people who can call you out on your worst behaviours, then ask them how you can make those behaviours even more aggravating.
Use children as pawns
Children of divorce always look back and say they only wish their parents had used them against each other in bitter, convoluted legal batles even more. Do what’s right for them, and put their needs behind your need to rinse that extra million out of your former spouse.
Be openly resentful
Spouse moving on with someone you deem unsuitable because they’re not you? Make your disapproval very clear. Insinuate he has nefarious ulterior motives. Mutter darkly about your kids. Ignore the fact you’ve got a new girlfriend because it’s irrelevant.
Post everything to social media
Nothing harm can ever come from unleashing all of your most volatile feelings on Instagram, especially when you have 12.7 million followers. Why piss about with passive-aggressive captions? Post multiple pictures of your ex’s new bloke and photoshop his face onto a cartoon character. That’ll show her you’ve moved on.