A MAN who bought a five-foot tall teddy bear for a date who stood him up plans to take it home and f**k it, he has confirmed.
Nathan Muir bought the excessively large bear as a statement of Valentine’s love, but after 45 minutes waiting for his date to arrive is prepared to use it to slake his Valentine’s lust.
He said: “F**k it. I’ve had worse.
“I’ve had to pay a deposit on the restaurant, so I’m not missing that. Me and Valentino here will be having our romantic dinner for two with pink champagne and chocolate-dipped cherries.
“Then I’ll take him home – I’m not under any illusions this bear is a woman, don’t worry – and put on my Nate’s Sexy Tunes playlist while cracking a bottle of prosecco. A £15 bottle too, the good stuff.
“And once we’re both in the mood I plan to waltz him into the bedroom, remove his ‘Be My Valentine’ T-shirt, bend him over the bed and give him a right good seeing-to. Why not? I’ve taken the Viagra.”
Date Grace Wood-Morris said: “I saw him from a distance with that bear and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t. If he’s that desperate he can take the bear home and f**k it.”