WOMEN have advised men everywhere that they know full well what they get up to after they have gone to bed.
Wives and girlfriends have confirmed that minor things like the disappearance of whole bag of Kettle Chips and the TV being on Channel 5 in the morning do not go entirely unnoticed.
Emma Bradford said: “The one you have to watch are the ones that sweetly kiss you goodnight then say, ‘I’ll finish watching the news, then I’ll be right up.’
“They might as well say, ‘The second you’re upstairs it’s over to the kitchen cupboard for half a pack of HobNobs, then open an Incognito window for some exactingly niche porn.’
“The Hobnobs packet’s there in the bin. The porn’s there in the panicked way they leap up from the sofa when you come down to get a charger.
“We also know about that spare bottle of whisky at the back of the cupboard, the borderline gambling addiction, and the Tinder account. Yeah.
“Can’t you be a bit more subtle about it, like I am upstairs with my dildo while you never, ever realise? Come on.”