'We know what you're up to after we've gone to bed,' say women

WOMEN have advised men everywhere that they know full well what they get up to after they have gone to bed.

Wives and girlfriends have confirmed that minor things like the disappearance of whole bag of Kettle Chips and the TV being on Channel 5 in the morning do not go entirely unnoticed.

Emma Bradford said: “The one you have to watch are the ones that sweetly kiss you goodnight then say, ‘I’ll finish watching the news, then I’ll be right up.’

“They might as well say, ‘The second you’re upstairs it’s over to the kitchen cupboard for half a pack of HobNobs, then open an Incognito window for some exactingly niche porn.’

“The Hobnobs packet’s there in the bin. The porn’s there in the panicked way they leap up from the sofa when you come down to get a charger.

“We also know about that spare bottle of whisky at the back of the cupboard, the borderline gambling addiction, and the Tinder account. Yeah.

“Can’t you be a bit more subtle about it, like I am upstairs with my dildo while you never, ever realise? Come on.”

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Beans don't deserve their own ramekin

BEANS are not fancy enough to be given their own ramekin so stop serving them like that, diners have agreed. 

Baked beans are cheap and sold in cans meaning they are not sophisticated enough to be served separately in their own porcelain ramekin for all the world as if they are caviar, restaurants have been advised.

Tom Booker of Trowbridge said: “I can understand a soufflé or a crème brulée getting their own little dish with a fluted exterior, but baked beans? No.

“Even high-end beans from Heinz or Waitrose should go straight on the plate. Anyone dolloping them into a ramekin needs to reassess their life choices because they’ve seriously f**ked up.

“We need to draw a line in the sand or we’ll be eating noodles out of pint glasses. Do we want future historians to say the decline of Western civilisation began here, with baked beans being served in a ramekin?

“Put them on the plate. Stop pretending that the chav food you serve to our unenlightened palates is fancy. Treat us like the scum we are.”

Chef Ryan Whittaker said: “The ramekin stays. It’s our only excuse for charging £4.85 for 8p of beans.”