How to have an arse-clenchingly awkward family reunion, by William and Harry

FALLEN out? Want the next family get-together to be sphincter-tighteningly awkward for everyone? Princes William and Harry explain how: 

William: bitch about each other beforehand 

Clear the air with a good old whinge to the rest of the family. They’ll all be on your side, you can let loose with some of your most venomous barbs, Kate can slag off that glam cow’s dress, and nobody’s any the wiser until Sophie briefs the press.

Harry: heavily imply someone’s racist

Racism’s such a touchy subject even racists don’t like being called racist. Look at Lozza Fox. So don’t go in naming names. Leave it nice and vague so the whole family’s wondering if you mean them and trying to remember what they said when they were pissed at the wedding.

William: be under constant, white-hot scrutiny

Family are always difficult, and never more so when every gesture is being analysed. Was the way you scratched your nose a coded message about how your family has ostracised you, or did you just have an itch? Expect to find out in an 84-page Sunday supplement free with this weekend’s Mail.

Harry: have a legion of incensed online fans

Because my wife’s American, black and was on the telly, apparently half the female population of the Western world considers her a personal friend. Casually mention all her entrenched and loopy devotees blame your brother’s wife for you drifting apart, convinced her true villainy will be exposed in The Crown.

William: wear your Army uniform

Never fired a shot in your life, while your brother was an actual Taliban-killing soldier? But he’s not allowed to wear the uniform and you are? Really drive a wedge between you by turning up in the full kit, medals and all, and just hope he doesn’t bring his SA80 assault rifle.

William and Harry: reunite at a funeral

Done all of the above? Reuniting at your average jubilee parade would be uncomfortable, but not blisteringly awkward. But at Granddad’s funeral when you’re expected to be on your best behaviour the crackling tension will only get worse. Our advice? Save the fireworks for another day, like Prince Andrew’s court case.

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Has your ongoing feud with an old school rival f**ked up the country?

DID you have a rival at school? Have you continued your competition into adulthood? Has it effectively destroyed a country? Find out: 

Why did you start fighting? 

A) Because that bastard Jordan Gardner snogged Sophie Rodriguez at the Year Nine disco even though he knew she was going out with me
B) Because that girly swot Cameron always gets better exam marks than me and it’s not fair

What turned the row really bitter? 

A) When I drove my Nissan Micra to sixth-form, that I’d only got Friday and was paying £300 a week insurance on, and him and his mates booted footballs at the passenger door
B) When Cameron only went and got himself elected Conservative leader and then prime minister even though he knew I’d bagsied both those

How did you get revenge? 

A) I knew where Jordan was doing his apprenticeship, so when I saw him having a spliff by the bins at lunchtime I dobbed him in and he got fired
B) I decided to lead the Vote Leave campaign out of spite, managed to engineer a win in the 2016 referendum, and he had to resign

Did you end it there? 

A) Did I f**k. I looked up Sophie Rodriguez, took her on a date and now we’re engaged while Jordan’s shacked up with that boiler Hannah Tomlinson
B) Did I f**k. I carried on lying about Brexit for three more years until I got made prime minister and won a majority shitloads bigger than his

Surely that’s enough? 

A) No way. I’ve reported him to the tax, got him denied planning permission for a conservatory, and put a fork through the lining of his carp pond
B) No way. I’ve authorised an independent investigation into his lobbying and widened the brief to include the whole pig-f**king thing

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You are a mean, petty, vengeful arsehole who has let an irrational desire to settle scores take over your life. But Britain has been largely unaffected.

Mostly Bs: You are an entitled, self-obsessed, insecure twat who has caused vast economic damage to your country just to prove a point. And you’re not finished yet.