Friday, 14th May 2021

How to have an arse-clenchingly awkward family reunion, by William and Harry

FALLEN out? Want the next family get-together to be sphincter-tighteningly awkward for everyone? Princes William and Harry explain how: 

William: bitch about each other beforehand 

Clear the air with a good old whinge to the rest of the family. They’ll all be on your side, you can let loose with some of your most venomous barbs, Kate can slag off that glam cow’s dress, and nobody’s any the wiser until Sophie briefs the press.

Harry: heavily imply someone’s racist

Racism’s such a touchy subject even racists don’t like being called racist. Look at Lozza Fox. So don’t go in naming names. Leave it nice and vague so the whole family’s wondering if you mean them and trying to remember what they said when they were pissed at the wedding.

William: be under constant, white-hot scrutiny

Family are always difficult, and never more so when every gesture is being analysed. Was the way you scratched your nose a coded message about how your family has ostracised you, or did you just have an itch? Expect to find out in an 84-page Sunday supplement free with this weekend’s Mail.

Harry: have a legion of incensed online fans

Because my wife’s American, black and was on the telly, apparently half the female population of the Western world considers her a personal friend. Casually mention all her entrenched and loopy devotees blame your brother’s wife for you drifting apart, convinced her true villainy will be exposed in The Crown.

William: wear your Army uniform

Never fired a shot in your life, while your brother was an actual Taliban-killing soldier? But he’s not allowed to wear the uniform and you are? Really drive a wedge between you by turning up in the full kit, medals and all, and just hope he doesn’t bring his SA80 assault rifle.

William and Harry: reunite at a funeral

Done all of the above? Reuniting at your average jubilee parade would be uncomfortable, but not blisteringly awkward. But at Granddad’s funeral when you’re expected to be on your best behaviour the crackling tension will only get worse. Our advice? Save the fireworks for another day, like Prince Andrew’s court case.