How to make a celebrity death all about you

THE death of a beloved celebrity is always sad. Make things even worse by putting yourself at the centre of the story with these tips.

Talk about them for the first time in your life

Despite having never mentioned the celebrity in question before, their passing should prompt an emotional outpouring on social media that’s carefully crafted to get lots of likes. Remember to include a photo of them to get maximum engagement. If you’re lucky you might end up in a listicle on a newspaper website. Fame at last.

Bring up a fleeting interaction

Remember that time you walked past the celebrity in the street and did a double-take? Nobody cared when you first shared this non-anecdote, but now they’re dead everyone is bound to be fascinated. Maybe embellish it with some details like how you definitely inspired their next project with your look of fawning disbelief.

Act like you knew them personally

They were a Hollywood A-lister known the world over for their iconic movies. You work in Pizza & Kebab 2 Go in Cleethorpes. Don’t let this stop you making out the pair of you shared a deep, spiritual bond. Maybe they ignored your fan mail once, or maybe you watched their appearance on Graham Norton. Either way, their death is like a family member dying. But worse.

Be sadder than everyone else

Grief is not a competition, but don’t let that stop you. Greet the news of a celebrity’s death with a mournful wail and only wear dark clothing for a month while looking glum and distracted. People should tell you to f**k off and pull yourself together, but nowadays they’re all paying their respects on social media too.

Say how their work affected you

While this is the most legitimate personal reaction to a celebrity’s passing, keep it between you and your friends down the pub, or even better, to yourself entirely. A quick thought like ‘Yeah, I really liked their stuff’ is totally acceptable, only takes a few seconds, and saves you clogging up the internet with your inane emotional reflections.

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The crimes I will commit when I am prime minister, by Sir Keir Starmer

GOOD morning. When I am elected prime minister, it is my pledge to you that I will commit the following crimes:

Embezzlement – I intend to begin where our current leader will undoubtedly leave off and embezzle public funds for my own personal enrichment. I promise I will not relax my efforts until at least £45 million sits in my account.

Speeding – As lockdown fines are unavailable but are the equivalent of a speeding fine, according to the Daily Mail, I shall rack up many of these. Look for me on the M1, M6, M4, M62 and M8. The whole country will benefit.

Public drunkenness – Effective immediately, I give my undertaking to engage with the real Britain by getting hammered four nights a week. My blackouts will be legendary and my altercations with the police epic. I will become accustomed to awaking in cells.

Public urination – If Beergate is to be considered genuine, then why not Weegate? It is my promise to you that I will be arrested while relieving myself in a fountain within the Greater London area.

Murder – As the prime minister is now expected to commit crimes, you have my word that I will stand before the Commons with blood on my hands and say ‘At the time the knife went in, I was unaware that it would constitute a killing. I humbly apologise for that.’ The victim will be chosen by lottery.

Perjury – The politician’s classic, and easily achieved by lying during any of my trials for any of the above. I will be proud to be ranked with Jonathan Aitken and Jeffrey Archer.

Murder, treason, espionage, arson in the Royal dockyards and piracy with violence – If I lose popularity after the electorate judges my crimes ‘not as sincere’ as Johnson’s, and ‘only to get votes’, I will commit the big five former capital crimes in a single spree. And still lose to the Tories at the next election because you people are idiots.