£40 Waitrose gin and other Jubilee products that are taking the f**king piss

QUEENIE’S big celebration to mark 70 years on the throne throws up all sorts of opportunities to rip off people with more money than sense. Try these horribly overpriced items.

Buckingham Palace gin, Waitrose, £40. Flavoured with botanicals from Her Majesty’s own gardens. Like that makes it taste any better than the stuff for a tenner in Aldi. You’re only going to drown it in tonic water anyway. Neck it neat and you’ll be sobbing embarrassingly as you blurt out: ‘I BLOODY LOVE our Queen! BLOODY LOVE HER!’ Much like the average gammon. 

Queen Elizabeth Platinum Jubilee portrait plate, Amazon, £10.99. Everyone needs a plate costing 11 quid which they can’t even f**king eat off. Sold with a tacky stand, this keepsake fits seamlessly into your home absolutely nowhere. If this appeals, you might be a pensioner called Elsie who likes Nigel Farage and National Service. 

The Jubilee Tea Gift Box, Fortnum and Mason, £50. Fifty quid for a box of tea and a teacup just screams: ‘We saw you coming, mugsy.’ It’s loose leaf tea too, so they haven’t even bothered to put it into teabags. The easy-to-break bone china cup has pictures of her favourite things, like racing pigeons and horses, ensuring it’s as tasteless as the box of dried leaves it accompanies.

Street party cupcakes, Rachael’s Kitchen, £24 for six. At that price it’s safe to say these are extremely delicious. However they’re not quite what you need for an actual Jubilee street party where half the guests are going to be shitfaced on Stella and Lambrini by 3pm and would guzzle down a raw potato tarted up with red, white and blue Dulux.

Platinum Jubilee portrait ornamental teaspoon, Amazon, £8.99. You’ve got your plate you can’t eat off and a mug too delicate to drink out of it, so why not complete your collection of car boot sale castoffs with a teaspoon you’re not allowed to stir your tea with? There’s a particularly unflattering picture of the Queen on the handle, but it’s your own fault for being a ghoulish bastard who’s hoping it’ll be worth something when she’s dead. 

Platinum Jubilee medium ziptop multiway bag, Radley of London, £289. What the actual f**king f**k? It’s basically a Bag for Life (20p in the supermarket) with a very expensive zip and a couple of pockets. There’s a dreadful picture of ‘Radley dog’ looking like he’s about to piss up the leg of a Coldstream Guard and a Union Jack handle design. It’s good-quality leather, but that doesn’t help if you can’t use it without looking like a mad Brexiter.

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Well that's us sorted for life, say Britons getting 400 quid

GRATEFUL Britons are relieved that the cost of living crisis is now over thanks to Rishi Sunak’s incredibly generous one-off payment of £400.

With the cash bonanza due in just three months’ time, millions of people are planning luxurious lifestyle changes such as being warm, not living off instant noodles and doing the washing up with hot water. 

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “After worrying about every penny, we’re finally where we want to be financially. I said to my wife Clare, ‘If you want to put the oven on and heat up a Tesco lasagne, you do it. Money no object.’

“Obviously £400 changes everything, but we won’t forget where we came from. Last night we put the heating on and invited all our friends round to sit by the radiator. When you’re doing well in life it’s important to give something back.”

Nikki Hollis, 28, said: “Like so many of my generation, I’m sick of renting and want to get on the property ladder. What I’ll do is withdraw some of my cost-of-living payment and put down a deposit on a two-bed semi. It’ll cover that, right?”

However Wayne Hayes, 19, said: “Spend it while you’ve got it, I say. Tonight I’m having an extra-large doner, then tomorrow I’m going to my local Porsche dealership to see what they can fix me up with.”

Conservative MP Susan Traherne said: “I would remind Britons that the £400 is for gas and electricity. I’d have preferred that we pay it in instalments, say £3 a week, and only if you can prove you don’t smoke or own a TV.”