I cannot go to the USA for questioning because they don't have Pizza Express, says Prince Andrew

PRINCE Andrew has confirmed that he has refused to submit to questioning by the US Department of Justice because there is no Pizza Express there. 

The Duke of York admitted he has turned down requests for an interview because he is unable to be more than 50 miles from his favourite Italian restaurant chain, which is currently closed.

He continued: “Picture the scene. I’m in New York, I’m taken to the interrogation room. The classic good-cop-bad-cop combination is opposite me, a swinging bare bulb the only illumination. Then I fancy some dough balls.

“I ask for them to be brought to me, piping hot with garlic butter. The good cop agrees. The bad cop snarls ‘There ain’t no Pizza Express in NYC, asshole.’

“I say what about Pollo Forza? Sloppy Giuseppe? A simple Barbacoa? The bad cop shakes his head. I stand up, unable to continue, beat them both in a kung-fu fight, steal a helicopter and fly back to Woking.

“If the Pinkertons wish to ask me questions about the paedophile pimp I had a perfectly innocent friendship with, they will find me there.”

A Department of Justice spokesman said: “On the one hand outrageous, on the other we are kind of busy being systemically racist right now.”

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Dominic Cummings is your new stepdad

DOMINIC Cummings, the chief adviser to the prime minister, is at your mum’s house and has announced he is your new stepfather. 

Cummings was confirmed as your mum’s new husband yesterday and began his new role by telling you all the new house rules you must follow that he will ignore.

Will McKay said: “Suddenly he was just there, looming in the background of a Zoom call, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

“He’s moved in, he’s cleared out my old room because he needs it as an office and all my stuff’s in storage, and apparently it’s ‘my way or the highway’.

“I’ve already had a lecture from him about not borrowing the car again and the hand-sanitising routine I have to follow to sit in the garden, while he has Michael Gove round for beers in the kitchen.

“I pointed out the hypocrisy to my mum but she just told me that she expected better and acted like I was being the unreasonable one while he nodded.”

Cummings then put his arm round your mum and gave her a big wet kiss on the cheek before smiling at you for no apparent reason.