PRINCE Andrew has confirmed that he has refused to submit to questioning by the US Department of Justice because there is no Pizza Express there.
The Duke of York admitted he has turned down requests for an interview because he is unable to be more than 50 miles from his favourite Italian restaurant chain, which is currently closed.
He continued: “Picture the scene. I’m in New York, I’m taken to the interrogation room. The classic good-cop-bad-cop combination is opposite me, a swinging bare bulb the only illumination. Then I fancy some dough balls.
“I ask for them to be brought to me, piping hot with garlic butter. The good cop agrees. The bad cop snarls ‘There ain’t no Pizza Express in NYC, asshole.’
“I say what about Pollo Forza? Sloppy Giuseppe? A simple Barbacoa? The bad cop shakes his head. I stand up, unable to continue, beat them both in a kung-fu fight, steal a helicopter and fly back to Woking.
“If the Pinkertons wish to ask me questions about the paedophile pimp I had a perfectly innocent friendship with, they will find me there.”
A Department of Justice spokesman said: “On the one hand outrageous, on the other we are kind of busy being systemically racist right now.”