Wednesday, 12th August 2020

I miss being Britain's biggest arsehole, says Piers Morgan

PIERS Morgan is itching to get back to being the most obnoxious prick in the UK, it has emerged. 

Since the COVID-19 crisis began, Morgan has shocked the nation by being one of the few members of the docile British media prepared to hold the government to account for their woeful handling of the pandemic.

But the former twat admits he misses pathetically trolling Gary Lineker on Twitter only to come off second-best, and that life is not the same since he stopped pretending America’s worst-ever president was a cool guy.

He continued: “This pandemic has brought out the best in me. I don’t like it.

“Doing the right thing, standing up for the little guy, treating celebrities as vacuous irrelevances. Bordering on being some sort of lefty, at times. What happened to Piers the total tossrag?

“As soon as all this is over I’m going right back to the old me. It’s the little things I miss, like using my 7.4 million Twitter followers in a pile-on a vegan, or calling a ban on fire-juggling in primary schools political correctness gone mad.

“For now I’ll do the right thing because someone has to and that someone, astonishingly, is me. But God, I’m looking forward to being prince of wankers once more.”