I told him my ballroom is a mile high just to see his face, says King

THE King has admitted claiming to own a domed ballroom a mile high in conversation with Donald Trump to see his crestfallen reaction. 

The president had taken the Royal party to see a hole which he was boasting would soon be an even greater ballroom than Hitler’s, when Charles replied ‘Of course, we have terrible issues rerouting planes around ours.’

The monarch continued: “You’d think the view would be wonderful a mile above London, but the diamond capstone on the top is actually in the stratosphere so it’s all clouds.

“Holds 1.7 million people, though it’s not been filled since George V’s inaugural ball because I’m afraid there aren’t enough aristocrats left. Nowadays we use its solid gold art deco interior for family get-togethers and charity events.

“It really is a magnificent edifice and, of course, owned by a real king. But yours sounds like it will be nice too. How large? 90,000 square feet? Ah, so the same size as the palace kennels.”

He added: “You should have seen his mean, crumpled face. He started bragging about 80s golfers’ dick sizes to recover, but of course Camilla has hands-on expertise there.”

Trump said: “I’ve checked on the internet and it’s all true. I fired the aide who told me it was AI.”

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Clickbait headline admittedly rather intriguing

A MAN cannot help but admit that a clickbait headline has done an incredible job of piquing his fickle interest. 

Internet user Martin Bishop is well aware of the shallow journalistic techniques used by hack writers, yet still feels oddly compelled to click an online article titled ‘Doctors Told Jennifer Garner It Was Irreversible. You’ll Never Guess Her Reaction’.

He said: “It goes against my better judgement as a savvy consumer of media, but goddammit I am curious. What happened to her? How did she defy science?

“Notice how the headline has drawn me in with a clever use of the second person perspective? The limits of my imagination have been challenged and I must defend them. Whoever wrote this knew what the f**k they were doing.

“Has she somehow reversed the aging process? Does she still look as good as when I fancied her 20 years ago? Which one is she, anyway? That one who went out with Justin Timberlake, or is that Jennifer Beals?

“I could be using the internet to educate myself about confusing geopolitical issues or to manage an investment portfolio. But no, I simply must read some utter nonsense about a woman who was in Dude, Where’s My Car?, I think, instead.”

Article writer Nikki Hollis said: “I’d like to personally thank Martin for clicking through. That’s 0.0002 pence of ad revenue straight into our account.”