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Believing 'this could be it for Starmer' reclassified as sexual fetish

GETTING so excited by a select committee hearing that you pronounce the end of the prime minister can only be a sex thing, experts believe. 

On the third occasion in ten days where commentators are breathlessly hyping a ‘day of reckoning’ for Starmer despite the fact that it will not be, the only rational explanation is that it is getting a whole lot of people off.

Dr Helen Archer, sexual wellness consultant, said: “Politically, they must know a hundred Labour MPs aren’t voting for an enquiry when there’s an enquiry already going on. So it must be something else.

“And given the feverish quality, the desperate need it is clearly filling, the demand for more and more climactic events after the last one proved unsatisfying, there can be little doubt this is the Westminster equivalent of a late-night sweaty hate-f**k.

“They know it’s achieving nothing, they know it’s disgusting, they know they should stop but it just feels so good they can’t stop themselves. Then afterwards the only way they can handle the disappointment and shame is to schedule another select committee hearing.

“I keep saying, the healthy way to deal with these urges is to work on your own party and make them electorally appealing. They know that. But then they get rock hard at the thought of another ‘doomsday for Starmer headline’ and we’re back where we started.”

Parliamentary correspondent Mary Fisher said: “Sir Philip Barton’s just declined to answer whether correct procedure was followed when Olly Robbins was sacked. And I’ve come.”

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The Sex Pistols' albums, ranked from worst to best

THEY created punk and galvanised a generation, but almost five decades on from their debut release, how does The Sex Pistols’ discography stack up? Find out: 

Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols (1977) 

A feeble blast of faux-rebellion created as a vehicle for Vivienne Westwood to sell an overpriced aesthetic of youthful defiance to trendy Londoners, it’s painfully lame today. If only we’d not fallen for this we’d have been spared Oasis and John Lydon’s butter adverts. Save yourself the earache and listen to a Clash record instead.

Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols (1977) 

Once controversial, in the cold light of the 21st century the pinnacle of the punk canon looks like nothing more than an annoying novelty. Oh, it has a rude word on the cover and the bass player who barely features was a bit edgy, was he? Sadly this doesn’t mean the album bears listening to more than the mandatory once to say you’ve heard it.

Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols (1977) 

The throb of scandal still powers through, even though today you’d hardly look up if it were piped into Tesco. While you might not be tempted to skip tracks like Bodies or Pretty Vacant straight away, Anarchy in the UK is so overplayed that it’s now the antithesis of everything it originally stood for. A 70s novelty act without the Wombles’ authenticity.

Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols (1977) 

Still holds up after all these years, especially if you’re old enough to remember the summer when punk usurped the jubilee. Wasting no time at 38 minutes and 44 seconds, Never Mind the Bollocks is a must-have for any serious music collection that traces it back to where it all began. Plus the US vinyl release has an alternative pink cover, which looks pretty.

Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols (1977) 

There’s a reason this album is beloved by everyone from Noel Gallagher to your dad. Proving that The Sex Pistols were more than just a shocking interview with Bill Grundy, Never Mind the Bollocks is a searing indictment of British life delivered with a string of memorable hooks. Listen, buy the T-shirt, artfully distress it and sneer.

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