ONCE again, an assassin has failed to kill me due to my superb reflexes and literally incredible IQ. These presidents just sat there and got pumped full of lead like Biden would:
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
He was in a theatre box, but where were the bulletproof screens? Where was the Secret Service? When the gunman started shooting, why didn’t he just dodge the bullets like I did in Pennsylvania? And we shouldn’t rush to condemn Confederate assassin John Wilkes Booth. There were very fine people on both sides of slavery.
James A Garfield (1831-1881)
History has forgotten Garfield, rightly. He didn’t end any wars when I’ve stopped nine and have the FIFA Peace Prize to prove it. He only won one election and I’ve won three, counting 2020. Garfield was a total loser. Even the cartoon isn’t named after him. How pathetic is that?
Theodore Roosevelt (1858-1919)
They named the asshole after a teddy bear. No surprise he just stood there and took two bullets to the abdomen. He survived, I guess, but he was no hero. By contrast, when the secret service started panicking on Saturday I immediately took control of the situation and presented the smallest possible target by skilfully falling over.
John F Kennedy (1917-1963)
Frankly if JFK was dumb enough to drive around in a convertible with the roof down he deserved to have his brains blown out. I’ve never understood the hype about that guy. If he was so handsome, why didn’t he ever host NBC’s top-rated Thursday night show? His assassin did America a favour. I’m changing Martin Luther King Day to Lee Harvey Oswald Day.
William McKinley (18343-1901)
A loser who got shot by an anarchist, survived, and – get this – died weeks later from an infection. A totally stupid and pointless death when he could have just injected disinfectant.
Ronald Reagan (1911-2004)
I hate to say it, but when Reagan narrowly survived being shot he should have quit. Either take the bullet face-on or dodge it. No half-measures. Anyway, I guess I should ask about you, Charles, they told me to do that. Have you been shot recently or is Britain full of pussies?
