Jack Monroe, and five other people reactionary dickheads can't explain why they hate

WRITER and chef Jack Monroe is despised by Britain’s many reactionary bastards. Here’s why she and other celebrities are on their confusing hate lists.

Jack Monroe

Jack’s crimes are many: she’s non-binary, she’s written for the Guardian, and she doesn’t have long hair like a proper girl. But worst of all she pretends poor people aren’t 100 per cent to blame for f**king up their lives. Stop pandering to them. A massive pack of chopped pig’s heart is only £1.37. That’s easily a week of sandwiches.

Emma Watson

Why would there be a problem with this lovely English rose? Because she didn’t agree with JK Rowling about transgender issues and therefore wants male children to have their todgers chopped off and unfairly compete in women’s sports. It’s obvious, really.

Lenny Henry 

It’s not because he’s black, except for the racists for whom it’s definitely because he’s black. No, it’s because of Comic Relief, where he cons soft-hearted Brits into helping lazy Africans who can’t be arsed to depose dictators. And they’re not going to bother preventing famines when we keep giving them free sacks of delicious grain.

Emmeline Pankhurst

Pankhurst wasn’t a typical modern feminist – for example, she was quite keen on handing out white feathers to ‘cowards’ in WW1. However right-wing idiots think she’s Germaine Greer, and it’s all her fault women always get custody of the kids and you can’t playfully grab a nice handful of arse at work.

Jon Snow

Strictly speaking, the Channel 4 presenter shouldn’t occasionally reveal his liberal views. But right-wing wankers demand that an intelligent, mature man immersed in politics must have no political opinions, which is about as realistic as showing your dog a documentary about battery farming and expecting it to become a vegetarian of its own accord.

Gary Lineker

Lineker can fairly be described as annoyingly chirpy with a few liberal opinions. That’s if you’re sane. To Brexiters he’s a Lord Haw-Haw traitor who deserves the most extreme punishments devised by man, maybe a combination of boiling in oil, crucifixion and being flayed to death. Although he probably does deserve a bit of torture for all those bloody crisp adverts.

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'I was down to my last £150 million': Sting's excuses for his oligarch concerts

STING has vowed not to play any more private concerts for Russian oligarchs following the invasion of Ukraine. However, some have wondered why he did them in the first place. Here he explains.

I wanted to spread my message of peace, hope and, er, walking on the moon

Listen to my lyrics closely and it’s impossible not to become a better, nobler person. I believed I should take my songs directly to the people who most needed to hear them, the evil oligarchs. Granted it’s not worked so far but my lyrics are subtle, they take a while to sink in.

I like playing small-scale intimate concerts, they’re more real

Sometimes the whole thing of playing to 20,000 people in some megadome or stadium gets you down. You don’t feel that connection with real human beings. Playing unplugged in a room with just a tiny, intimate group of billionaires and their family and friends, well, it’s just more spiritual.

At least in Russia I’m not a figure of fun

Listen, what do you think it’s like to google the words ‘Sting’ and ‘wanker’ and have 5,739,212 search results come up? At least these Russian guys regard me as a blond God. Also none of them have seen the 1984 version of Dune, which is a blessed relief at the moment.

If I didn’t play these gigs, they’d go to Ed Sheeran

I mean, that’d be worse, surely? No one wants to hear Sheeran singing crap like ‘Galway Girl’ when I could share my finely-crafted lyrics like ‘He starts to shake and cough/ Just like the old man in that book by Nabakov’.

I was down to my last £150 million

What with streaming services and all these new acts with their R&B and K-Pop, my earnings have dwindled alarmingly. I had to take these gigs. If my fortune sank to below £100 million, can you imagine the pisstaking from Bono down at the Self-Important Old Rock Twats Club?