Jesus had wife who made him get a proper job

JESUS Christ’s wife Mary Magdalene forced him to get a boring admin job, it has emerged.

Newly unearthed manuscripts describe how Jesus married and had two children with Mary Magdalene, who saw his preaching as a thinly veiled excuse to spend time with his friends.

Bible expert Roy Hobbs said: “Mary rapidly became frustrated with Jesus, and was fond of telling him that he was getting a bit old to be a messiah figure and that he would have been better off asking the money lenders for sponsorship rather than kicking all their stuff over.

“She hated the the disciples and dubbed them ‘the work-shy-ples’, an oft-repeated joke which really grated on Jesus. Mary especially had it in for Peter who had a ‘very gormless face’.”

Eventually Jesus caved in to the pressure, quit preaching full-time and got a job three days a week book-keeping for a local sandal firm.

Hobbs added: “Mary still wasn’t happy and wanted a bigger house with decorative urns. She was particularly annoyed when Jesus turned down the chance for overtime on Sundays, as apparently this was the first time he had said anything about it being a day of rest.”

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New Star Wars film not just called ‘Han Solo’s In It’

THE new Star Wars film will be called The Force Awakens rather than simply stating that it features Han Solo.

The choice of title has led to fears that Episode VII will be the fifth Star Wars film in a row that is very, very bad indeed.

Tom Logan, a Jedi from Peterborough, said: “Calling it Star Wars: Han Solo’s In It makes it clear there’s at least one proper character and little or no galactic politics.

The Force Awakens just underlines the fact that it’s going to be full of old people.”

Logan added: “I would also have accepted Not a Single Fucking Ewok.”