John Lydon's guide to becoming an ageing punk wanker

FORMER Sex Pistol John Lydon has dismayed fans with his support for Donald Trump. Here he explains how to make the transition from edgy punk rebel to ageing pub bore.

Have absolute confidence in your own bullshit opinions

This week I claimed that Trump speaks for working class guys like me. Some would say this is bollocks on every level, but I am incredibly wise because I know the music industry is full of bastards and did punk things like swearing on TV.

Express yourself in a convoluted, sarcastic way

As a lyricist I have a ginormous command of the English language, so I won’t say “We need some more tea bags”. Instead I prefer: “No teabags. What a MARVELLOUS F**KING SURPRISE on a Saturday morning. I wonder if our WONDERFUL QUEEN ever runs out of tea bags?”

Really piss on your own legacy

The Pistols weren’t together long but released an iconic album and said a big ‘f**k you’ to the music industry and British society. Cancel out that good work by appearing on mainstream ITV rubbish like I’m A Celebrity. Honestly, I’m up for an unironic version of ‘God Save the Queen’ at the Proms, with the band of the Royal Scots Guards and Katherine Jenkins. 

Do some butter adverts

You hated them, didn’t you? And felt a bit sad for me. But the clever thing is: they were meant to annoy you! That’s why I did them – it wasn’t for the money, I wanted to shake up complacent Middle England’s cosy view of spreadable dairy products.

Ruin people’s enjoyment of your own music

There’s nothing more punk than alienating people who liked Never Mind the Bollocks and Bill Grundy deservedly being told to f**k off. You won’t decrease their enjoyment of ‘Friggin in the Riggin’ though, because that’s shit.

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The president cannot reverse time: Trump's lies fact-checked

PRESIDENT Trump last night made a number of claims to the American people of dubious veracity. Here we fact-check them one by one. 

He has a dagger that can reverse time

The president claimed to own a dagger which can reverse time which he would use ‘to set this whole thing right’. Such a dagger is not believed to exist and experts say even if Trump were to go back 48 hours there would still be no path to election. 

All votes for Joe Biden are illegal

The president’s threat to track down and exile from the United States anyone found to be voting for ‘the illegal candidate’ Joe Biden is without legal basis and cannot be acted on.

Joe Biden is dead

The president’s claim that former vice-president Joe Biden ‘has been dead for months’ has been fact-checked and proven to be false. 

Joe Biden is Skeletor

The president’s claim that Biden is Skeletor, ruler of Snake Mountain and enemy of Eternia who is determined to claim the powers of Castle Grayskull, is clearly not true because he does not have Skeletor’s flamboyant dress sense.

He is Batman

The president’s surprising claim to be Batman, when He-Man would have made more sense given the previous claim, is without foundation. There is no cave under Mar-a-Lago, there is no Batmobile and the adventure Trump described was an episode of the Batman TV show broadcast in November 1967. 

A network of Democrat and Hollywood paedophiles consume children’s adrenalin glands to become immortal

The president was referencing the QAnon theory which claims he is a great hero secretly working to rid the world of evil. This is so obviously false it’s painful to say so. 

He was given the spaceship from Area 51 by a grateful nation

This is untrue and simply a desperate attempt to loot America’s treasures. The spaceship from Area 51, along with the bodies of several autopsied aliens and the lone survivor, belong to the people of the United States.

He is not a loser

Cannot be definitively proven until vote-counting is complete, but a 90 per cent chance that he absolutely is.