'How's that US trade deal looking?' Remainers ask Brexiters

BREXITERS have been asked for an update on Britain’s amazing trade deal with America now that Donald Trump is likely to lose. 

Remainers feel that now is a good time to explain the excellent ‘Anglosphere’ deal so they can enjoy new, high-quality US products and not go hungry because our food from the EU is stuck in Dover. 

Tom Logan said: “I’m not hassling anyone, I’d just like to know when those delicious, juicy US steaks are coming over. Not the ones full of hormones, I don’t want to grow breasts on my back or something.

“I was sceptical about a deal coming together with idiots like Boris Johnson and Liam Fox doing it, but every Brexiter promised a good US deal so I should stop being such a negative Nellie.

“I phoned my Brexiter friend Gavin about it but he had to go because his goldfish was suddenly taken ill. He’ll probably explain the details once the vet has given Jaws the all-clear.”

Brexiter Norman Steele said: “We’ll get a brilliant deal, maybe not with America, but with economic powerhouses like Haiti, Papua New Guinea and the Taliban-controlled areas of Afghanistan.

“That said, I’m so obsessed with immigration I don’t actually care if my entire extended family is on the dole and we just get some overpriced Twinkies.”

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Why counting votes is undemocratic, by a MAGA twat

By Donald Trump retweeter Donna Sheridan

SNEAKY Democrats are trying to sabotage this election by placing more votes for their candidate than us Republicans. Let me explain why that undermines democracy while I disrupt ballot counting.

There’s a saying that Americans will always do the right thing once they’ve exhausted all the alternatives, and that applies to our voting process. It would be unpatriotic to do it properly off the bat.

Harassing people working at polling stations by waving signs and barking dog whistle slogans at the top of my lungs is just part of our fine democracy. Anyone preventing me from doing that is a socialist who should be shot in the face.

The next logical step will be to take the results to the court and demand a recount. We won’t do that in states where the GOP has won by a razor-thin majority of two votes though. That would be insane and corrupt.

What you rubberneckers from across the pond don’t realise is that once we’ve got the looting, rioting and civil warring out of our system, we’ll sit down like reasonable human beings and accept the result. That’s if Nevada’s finished counting by then.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get into my truck and blast the horn while screaming “STOP THE COUNT”. Because that’s what true freedom looks like.