Kanye finds time in busy schedule of twattishness to release album

KANYE West has found a window in his schedule of twattery to release some of his music.

West took a short break from his punishing timetable of incoherent arrogance to release The Life of Pablo, which critics said was not as artistically impressive as his ongoing quest to become the perfect twat.

One industry insider said: “Making a modern pop album can take as long as 45 minutes.

“That’s the equivalent of a year to such a committed tosspot. If you’re going to do it, it’s got to be worth the sacrifice.”

But music critic Martin Bishop said: “The album is what you’d expect from someone with a vague grasp of rhythm and the self-awareness of an over-privileged nine year-old.

“Five stars.”

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Men queue at florists for reluctant displays of undying love

MEN across Britain have begun their grim annual duty of buying flowers.

Florists have reported being swamped by long queues of forlorn, awkward-looking men clutching £10 notes.

Tom Logan said: “This is the day I dread most when I have to make a modest, thoughtful gesture for the woman I love more than life itself.

“I’d climb any mountain, cross every sea for my wife, but I do I really have to stand here for half an hour to pay a tenner for something that’s  already dead?”

Florist Emma Bradford said: “You can see the love in their eyes, mixing with a healthy amount of fear and resentment.

“I like to drag them around the whole shop looking at hyacinths and freesias just to make the most of my power.”