Kate and William excited to announce birth control accident

WILLIAM and Kate have announced a wonderful contraception mishap.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge described the birth control fuck up as ‘a delightful surprise’.

Prince William said: “I can confirm that my wife and I have done something utterly brilliant that we did not fully intend to do.

“Two is enough, you might think, and I quite agree. But shit happens.

“You lot have got to pay for it anyway, so we’re not too bothered.”

The accident have been blamed on the royal condom ‘Chevalier’, which was stitched together from goat bladders in 1384 and has since been shared among the Windsor males. Royal expert Nikki Hollis said: “It looks like a deflated rugby ball and smells like a barn.”

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Worker back from holiday pretends to spend day deleting emails

A WORKER is pretending to spend a whole day deleting emails after a two-week holiday.

Marketing co-ordinator Wayne Hayes claims to be having a ‘nightmare’ managing his ‘literally thousands’ of emails, even though he is really just dicking about on the internet.

Hayes said: “I’ve got emails with spreadsheets, emails with photos, emails that are just words…so many emails. Sadly I won’t be able to get any actual work done today, or for most of tomorrow, because of deleting these damn emails.”

However colleagues pointed out that Hayes probably has only about a dozen emails if you don’t count all the ones that are obviously irrelevant like ‘Re: Jan’s mug missing again’ and one titled ‘Free cake in kitchen’ from last Tuesday.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “He could just delete all the bullshit ones without reading them, which would take about ten minutes.

“I can see his monitor reflected in the window and he’s currently looking at a slide show called ‘Jennifer Aniston’s 20 Hottest Moments’.

“To be honest though, our work is totally pointless anyway and we’re all basically prisoners here, so fair play to him.”