Kate borrows Queen's necklace to get it valued

THE Duchess of Cambridge has borrowed a diamond necklace from the Queen to have it priced up at the pawnbrokers.

The necklace, a wedding gift that you never see the Queen in so she wouldn’t miss, was previously thought to be priceless but is actually worth a disappointing £1.8 million.

Kate said: “I should have known when the old bag told me it was made in India. Basically it’s Primark jewellery and a waste of my fucking time.

“I’ll see if I can get any decent offers for it on eBay. If I take the photo just right it will look a lot bigger than what it actually is.”

Numerous other items have been reported missing from around Buckingham Palace, including 600 Da Vinci drawings the Duchess of Cambridge says she’s sent to get framed.

Palace staff also claim to have seen Kate typing “Windsor Castle”, “Balmoral” and “Clarence House” into Zoopla before totalling figures on a calculator.

She said: “What did you expect of a commoner? We don’t believe in love, or duty, or serving the nation. We’re only out for what we can get for ourselves.

“They’re trapped now I’ve had the kid.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Getting pissed' craze sweeps UK

BRITONS are rushing to take part in a new craze that involves consuming alcohol and becoming drunk.

The craze, which is thought to have originated on the internet, has led health experts to speculate that consuming large amounts of alcohol could have negative effects.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Everyone’s into getting pissed at the moment. Yesterday evening I was on the bus when a guy got on who was drunk, or as teenagers say ‘a drunkard’.

“He was actually swaying. Classic.

“It was my mate Shane who told me about it. He’d been on the internet and said ‘There’s this thing called ‘getting pissed’, d’you want to try it?

“The feeling is crazy, it’s like you’re funnier and physically invincible. Then afterwards your head hurts.”

The objective of getting pissed is to become drunk, which can have an array of effects from violent aggressiveness to sitting quietly in a corner dwelling on past mistakes.

Doctor Denys Finch Hatton said: “Most people will try it once and then probably never do it again.

“But for others the consequences can be serious. They might fall on something sharp or buy an unaffordable item off eBay and not be able to cancel it.

“There may even be health problems caused by alcohol, like maybe it affects internal organs. It’s too early to tell.”

Logan added: “Getting pissed is ace, but people will stop doing it when something new comes along, like for example a really good board game.”