SUCCESS is often guaranteed for privileged people. But sadly for listeners these poshos chose music instead of the more traditional career path of high finance.

Bastille

Private schoolboys in music have always cosplayed as the poor, like this tongue-in-cheek bunch named after a very famous ‘down with the rich’ event. Could their use of the delta symbol in their branding suggest a side-hustle in asset management? Probably. Luckily for Bastille if the revolution comes, so-so indie rockers probably won’t be the top priority for la guillotine.

Mumford & Sons

It’s almost cruel naming your band of poshos exactly like a wealth management firm, but nowhere near as cruel as flooding the charts with songs that are basically The Hokey Cokey for adults. Very posh guitarist Winston Marshall had to leave the band after tweeting bullshit far-right theories, which rarely works out for posh people. Ask Laurence Fox and the Mitfords.

Florence + the Machine

With advertising and academia in her blood, Florence could have broken the mould with, say, a credible punk band. Instead she chose a theatre kid project where she wore no shoes and Gucci dresses. Her privileged family could provide various back-up careers in the unlikely event of music not working out, not least a grandfather who was a coal magnate. A heartfelt plea for more open cast mining would be a change from earnest green tedium at Glastonbury.

Mark Ronson

Mark was destined to follow in the footsteps of his stinking rich family, one of the wealthiest in Britain, somehow. He could afford to make any old garbage before getting signed, and had the handy industry connection of his stepdad being the founder of rock behemoth Foreigner. Everything fell into place after Mark peddled Bruno Mars-featuring slop as a sellout move he probably never needed to make, but it’s wise not to take risks with your money.

Newton Faulkner

Besides Newton, another of Sam’s names is Battenberg, the German aristo family who became the Mountbattens, which is a CV addition any CEO would love. Ginger dreadlocks may not have worked in his favour in the corporate environment, but it didn’t matter because record companies saw the financial potential of Newton’s bland busker drivel. Sadly the public were less keen and he’s largely forgotten now, although unlikely to be skint. 

Lily Allen

Lily inherited more than just money from her dad, such as the ability to put on a common accent to cover for a boarding school past. Her music career did encounter something of a recession, but she successfully diversified into posting feet pictures and monetising talking to her famous friends. Were the references to a New York apartment doubling as a sex dungeon on her album a dig at at dreadful ex-husband David Harbour, or a secret desire to become Christian Grey?