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Is Timothee Chalamet secretly EsDeeKid, Banksy, DB Cooper and the Zodiac Killer?

TIMOTHÉE Chalamet is too wonderful to be a mere actor so is rumoured to be Liverpudlian rapper EsDeeKid. But who else is secretly this boyish genius?

Banksy

A talent like Chalamet’s cannot be restrained to a single field. So as well as single-handedly rehabilitating a Kardashian, he offers trenchant political commentary in graffiti form as Banksy. The evidence? Banksy has created works in many major cities, and Timothée has probably been to all of them. Also he is so witty, clever and handsome.

EsDeeKid

An underground drill rapper with a strong Scouse accent who lives in a council house? French-American millionaire actor of privileged origins Chalamet has barely even bothered to disguise his identity here, so it’s perfectly natural fans have guessed it, and in no way a sign of fatal internet poisoning. He hides his beauty behind a balaclava like a shy faun.

DB Cooper

The man who hijacked a plane, demanded a ransom, parachuted out of it with the money and was never found was described as ‘charming’ by air crew. Who else could it be? Who else could play a part so completely that he disappears into it so the FBI couldn’t trace him? Who else could be so cunning? Oh, Timothée, is there anything you can’t do?

Elena Ferrante

Chalamet understands women. It’s why they adore him so, and nothing to do with his elfin good looks or aura of vulnerability. He understands women so well he wrote the Neopolitan Novels, a quartet about female lives and friendships, under a pseudonym. And in fluent Italian because he is so cosmopolitan and sophisticated, yet still winningly naive.

Kaspar Hauser

A German boy of mysterious origin, rumoured to be a scion of a Duke, so sensitive he could feel magnetic fields, of strange but compelling appearance? Tell me it’s Timothée Chalamet without telling me it’s Timothée Chalamet, right? Died tragically, just as Chalamet does in the fantasies of teenage girls just after he swears undying love.

The Zodiac Killer

The enigma of serial murder, varying his methods, wearing elaborate costumes, communicating obliquely; anyone who has followed Chalamet’s career will recognise the pattern. It’s what makes him the greatest actor of his generation. Yes, so far there are no reports of on-set killings but he’s not going for an Oscar yet. When he does? Watch out.

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Kelly Brook, and other celebrities you'd feel awkward meeting after decades of self-abuse

YOU’RE glad Kelly Brook is back on telly, but you can’t help thinking that meeting her would be awkward given your sordid history of wanking over her in the 90s. Much like these celebs.

Liz Hurley

As a posh girl with big tits who’s done many wank-friendly lingerie/swimwear shoots, Liz is bound to have featured in your fantasies at some point. If you meet her, stick to smalltalk. She doesn’t want to hear about an acne-ridden teenage you furtively wanking over a picture of her in your parents’ Daily Telegraph. It’s hideous enough as a memory.

Kelly Brook

Whatever circumstances you meet Kelly in, it will be impossible not to think of all the self-abuse encouraged by 90s lads’ mags, an era now as lost in time as the achievements of Ozymandias. Luckily Kelly is a simple soul who’s always been matter-of-fact about her career, so if you blurted out ‘My January 2000 copy of Loaded was absolutely rigid with jizz!’ she’d probably just say, ‘Aw, that’s nice!’

Ryan Gosling 

Ryan Gosling can hardly be unaware of his popularity as female wank fodder, but it would still be weird meeting him in the flesh. Of course, you could just unburden yourself and admit you’ve fantasised over him repeatedly. If he didn’t want a lengthy conversation detailing all the sex acts you’ve imagined him performing he shouldn’t have popped into a newsagents for a bottle of water. 

Jan Francis 

A chance meeting with the Just Good Friends cutie could be awkward due to the male habit of fancying unlikely female sitcom actors. You could make a case that wanking over Ms Francis was actually perfectly normal and healthy, but it’s probably best not to. The same applies to Penelope Wilton, Belinda Lang and Sylvia out of Hi-de-Hi!.

Mel Gibson 

In the 80s Mel was extremely good-looking and people had not yet realised that mullets were shit, Gen Z take note, so it was perfectly understandable that a lady might wish to butter her muffin to thoughts of him. Sadly meeting him now would be an unappealing mix of embarrassing wanking memories and abject terror that he’s going to explain how the Jews have stopped it snowing at Christmas with weather lasers.

Megan Fox

Okay, Megan seems pretty comfortable with her sex symbol status, but wanking is fundamentally pathetic, whatever sex ed lessons may claim. You’re not sure what’s more embarrassing, your seamy nocturnal tugging over Ms Fox or the fact that you’ve somehow seen every f**king Transformers movie.

Louise Jameson 

The producers of Doctor Who deliberately introduced Louise and her leather leotard to snare male viewers, so it’s the BBC’s fault you committed numerous acts of Leela-related onanism. Whether you want to discuss that with a nice 74-year-old woman is another matter. Probably just grill her on minor plot holes in The Robots of Death instead. Thanks to Doctor Who’s large fanbase of lore-obsessed sexual inadequates she’ll be used to that.

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