Subscribe

Kate going to Italy to take lover

THE Princess of Wales has announced she is embarking on a solo trip to Italy where she intends to take a lover. 

Kate will visit Reggio Emilia next week ostensibly to support her campaign for early childhood education or whatever while actually seeking out a man who can guide her body to the erotic awakening it has so long yearned for.

A Kensington Palace spokesman said: “The Princess has suffered a health scare. Her children are growing up. Her days are suffused with an apathetic melancholy.

“In this era of Eat, Pray, Love and having done the first two, why should she not seek out Europe’s greatest lovers to show her the tender euphoria of the flesh? All while wearing an open shirt and Gucci sunglasses?

“That was never William’s appeal and though her other ardent swain, the British press, will never admit it those looks won’t last forever. If she is to be tossed on a turbulent sea of lovemaking and lose herself to ecstasy it has to be now.

“The gentleman in question should be called Gianni, ideally be a chef, in his 30s and so hurt by love he has closed himself off to it before she devours his aglio e olio with a gusto that fires him with an unquenchable lust. Also she’d like to do it on a boat.”

The spokesman added: “If that doesn’t deliver everything she dreams of, she’s open to carnal exploration with a woman. She already has the strap-ons.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Londoner doesn't believe there are properties under £500,000

A LONDON resident told housing outside the capital is readily available for less than half a million pounds has dismissed it as a provincial hoax. 

Eleanor Shaw, aged 34, accepts there could have been properties sold at less than the current floor for housing, decades ago, but cannot believe the rest of the country is that far behind.

She said: “A four-bedroom house with extensive gardens for £370k? Come on. Even in Sunderland they’re not that out-of-touch with reality.

“Even the properties available for half a million are nightmares, like someone’s had a breakdown and accidentally priced a cupboard as a home. The best you’ll get is a mould-stained studio in Tottenham where the rats are listed as existing tenants.

“It’s weird, because RIghtMove does seem to believe there are homes priced less than that if you’re not within commuting distance of London, but does it really? Can it be said to be living if you’re more than 100 yards from a Pret?

“This one’s £250,000 and described as ‘spacious’ so that can’t be true. Is it actual British currency? There must be a catch with these places. Are they haunted? Are they about to fall in the sea? Do I have to become the Mayor?”

Shaw briefly considered relocating before remembering she would then be the sort of person who says ‘it’s only two hours on the train’ and immediately closing the tab.

Next story ›