Kate Middleton ‘Related To Monkeys’

PRINCE William’s consort Kate Middleton is descended from monkeys and still shares 99% of her genetic material with chimps, it has been revealed.

Kate is spending the summer at a friend's villa in Sumatra

According to scientists the early Middletons survived on nuts and berries, using their strong prehensile tails to swing from tree to tree.

Later they evolved into a Neanderthal tribe who threw rocks at neighbouring tribes, were terrified of cave bears and thought a solar eclipse was a giant whale eating the sun.

Dr James Cartwright, from the Insititute for Studies, said: “Kate’s more recent ancestors were neckless hominids covered in matted hair. Just several million years ago they were still fashioning tools from mammoth bone and they also had the most horrendous arse-clags.”

He added: “It was all a far cry from Ladies’ Day at Ascot.”

Dr Cartwright said that even today Kate’s DNA is very close to a chimpanzee’s, with only minor variations.

“She’s basically Bubbles in a Jigsaw coat. God knows what the Queen will make of this.”

Constitutional expert, Phyllis Agnew, said: “Kate is devastated that this has finally come out. She certainly wouldn’t want to be associated with simians, or indeed early cave dwellers who worshipped fire and ate raw wolf scrotum.

‘She’s worked hard to leave behind her monkey origins and it’d be real shame if they spoiled it for her now. Especially as she’s only just learned to stop throwing big lumps of her own shit whenever she gets upset.”