THE Duchess of Cambridge is to fufill all her public engagements while throwing up.
Beginning with the opening of the Invictus Games tomorrow, Kate will be attended by a servant holding a jewel-studded vomit tureen, a gift to Britain from the Shah of Iran.
A lady-in-waiting will hold back her lustrous brown hair as she daintily but stylishly evacuates her stomach, while waving at members of the public.
The Duchess’s solo tour of Malta later this month will go ahead as planned, and she has promised to leave a trail of bilious puke all over the island for locals to enjoy.
Royal-watcher Helen Archer said: “If I could see Kate’s girlish gorge rise and her mouth fountaining her guts up all over my floral dress, I’d be the happiest woman in Britain.”