GRAND Designs host Kevin McCloud has launched a clinical, futuristic Christmas grotto for poncey families.
McCloud said: “Kids will go mad for the smooth contours, cavernous rooms with glass walls and artisan pulled penguin pizzas.
“The experience is one of form married to function in a bold, forward-thinking arc that stares optimistically toward December 25th.
“We came in just three years over schedule and nine million pounds over budget. The Italian pewter Christmas tree and reindeer-droppings furnace were completely worth the wait.”
“Father Christmas will be played by a proper actor like Michael Gambon, not some slobbering builder type in a stick-on beard.”