Kevin McCloud unveils tasteful modernist grotto

GRAND Designs host Kevin McCloud has launched a clinical, futuristic Christmas grotto for poncey families. 

McCloud said: “Kids will go mad for the smooth contours,  cavernous rooms with glass walls and artisan pulled penguin pizzas.

“The experience is one of form married to function in a bold, forward-thinking arc that stares optimistically toward December 25th.

“We came in just three years over schedule and nine million pounds over budget. The Italian pewter Christmas tree and reindeer-droppings furnace were completely worth the wait.”

“Father Christmas will be played by a proper actor like Michael Gambon, not some slobbering builder type in a stick-on beard.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Everything now ‘class war’

ANYTHING that makes you unhappy is a direct result of class war, it has been confirmed.

The ways in which you are being attacked because of your socio-economic status now include nasal hair, jerky movements and more than 18,000 different noises.

Julian Cook, from Stevenage, said: “I had to queue at the cinema on Saturday simply because I went to a private school.

“Everyone who works at Kings Way Cineworld is a vengeful Marxist.”

Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, added: “The sausage thing I bought from Greggs yesterday was not as good as the one I had last Friday. It made me feel powerless.

“But of course Greggs is owned by Benedict Cumberbatch and his fancy London friends.

“I am now going to hang a flag from my window using my big, dirty thumbs.”