Kirstie Allsopp's guide to a handmade sex toy Christmas

A PRESENT made with love, care and your own two hands is always better than something shop-bought, especially if it’s a sex toy. Hand out these this Yuletide: 

A glittery pocket dildo

Take a dog chew – not the old-fashioned butcher’s bone type filled with marrow and a pungent smell, but a modern dishwasher-safe rubber one. Spray on glitter and add a little varnish to create a pleasingly seasonal fanny-filler perfect for a great-aunt.

A young man’s first sex-tube

Got nephews? A large Smarties tube covered in cling-film filled with gravy and a handful of gravel is perfect for letting them simulate an inexpert blowjob in the privacy of their bedrooms. Simply pop into the microwave for 15 seconds to heat, then lie back and enjoy.

Furry handcuffs

Everyone’s got a rusty old padlock they’re not using. Combine that with cable-ties covered in Sellotape rolled around on the carpet to collect lint and dog hair and you’ve got the perfect intimate gift for lovemaking with your partner on Christmas night.

Budget pleasure-wand

A few buzzing Hexbugs in a tube – they’re last year’s toy, the kids will never notice – decorated with a festive motif make a wonderful wand of joy for sisters or sisters-in-law alike. Add a sprig of holly at the far end for a thrilling touch of danger.

Blow-up f**kable Santa

Easily foraged from other people’s lawns, simply paint on lipstick and eyeshadow and delight dad with a wanton North Pole hooker to take to bed and give it to good and hard. It might end up being more popular than you!

A transcript of the Queen’s speech

Every red-blooded Englishman is standing at attention when Her Majesty gets going, with the cut-glass tones of a dominatrix in a position of unassailable authority. Take it one step further by dressing as Her Royal Highness and adopting her sneer of cold contempt.

A cheese grater with snow spray on top

For those who enjoy an element of danger. Use with caution.

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Five ways you're becoming your parents

DELUDED yourself that you’re a unique individual nothing like the people who created and raised you? Guess again. This is how you’re slowly turning into them: 

Youth culture baffles you

The music is horrific, the slang is indecipherable, and everything is way too sexual. It’s always been this way, only now you’re in the part of the cycle where everyone who’s enjoying it is twenty years younger than you and they think you spent your youth chasing a hoop with a stick.

Everything’s too expensive

Whether it’s the price of heating or the cost of food, everything’s so off-the-rails expensive you can’t enjoy it even if you can afford it. When young people can’t afford houses, you mutter ‘Well perhaps if you didn’t waste all your money on 5G data’, just like your dad used to about long-distance calls.

You’ve got at least one dodgy opinion

You might not actually voice it, but it’s there in your head. Perhaps you picked it up by glancing at the cover of the Mail or accidentally watching Good Morning Britain. Either way the only people you can talk to about it without getting cancelled are your parents who agree far too enthusiastically.

Physical transformations

Kind of hard to avoid this one seeing as you’re made of their genetic material. No matter how often you exercise or how healthy you eat you’re going to end up with dad’s paunch or mum’s cellulite or most likely both.

Your fashion sense is dead

If it ever existed to begin with. Lately you’ve been rocking these tan slacks with an elasticated waistline that you saw advertised in the back of a newspaper next to an offer on reading lamps. And you honestly think they’re the most comfortable clothes you’ve ever f**king worn.