Dog sinking its teeth into your ankle 'just playing', owner reassures

THE owner of the dog that is currently biting your ankle quite hard has clarified that her pet is, in fact, ‘really friendly’.

Owner Helen Archer describes her dachshund Tallulah as bouncy, bubbly, and a real sweetheart, overlooking that she has currently locked her jaws into a stranger’s tender flesh.

Archer continued: “Having Tallulah really helps my anxiety. She’s a soothing presence. I used to get so stressed out by crowds, but when she’s with me it feels like they just melt away.

“She’s great with kids too. It’s just that when she jumps up at them and snarls at them they scream and panic, which is the wrong reaction and makes her aggressive. It’s not her fault.

“When you’re frantically shaking your leg like that to try and get her off, begging ‘Please God let go,’ she thinks it’s a little game. If you’d just remain perfectly still and stop sobbing she’d let go in no time.

“No, she’s still hanging on. She doesn’t want to say goodbye. She must really like you!”

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Man eats six-pack of substantial meals for lunch

A MAN has bought a six-pack of substantial meals to enjoy during his 40-minute lunch break. 

The substantial meals, each of which comprises a boiled egg encased in breadcrumbs and sausage meat suitable for accompanying a pint in a tier 2 pub, will be consumed by Nathan Muir over the course of a single mealtime.

Seemingly oblivious to the fact that he planned to eat two days’ worth of food in less than an hour, Muir said: “Well it’s all they had in the garage. And let me tell you after a morning of plastering they’re barely touching the sides.

“Perhaps six is too many. Normally I’d have four and a grab bag of Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch, but I’ve got heartburn.

“With a beer? Yeah, they’re nice to wash down with a beer. Six beers? Steady on mate. I’m only halfway through my shift. And you don’t want to be on the eggs during a session. The flatulence would be apocalyptic.

“Substantial? So what’s a Ginsters Scotch Egg Bar? Enough to feed a family of four?”

While driving home later today Muir will consume a further two substantial meals at the wheel of his van.