IN A new decade worse than any of its predecessors, we’ll inevitably soon be rosy-eyed for 9/11 and Las Ketchup. Get ready to genuinely miss these:
Late-night soft porn on Channel 5
Hard to believe, but there was a time before hardcore pornography was freely available to everyone all the time. Back then, dads and sons alike would stay up past midnight to catch a glimpse of Rochelle Swanson’s side boob in Secret Games 3 and society was better for it.
Nobody had smartphones
iPhones only appeared towards the end of the decade, and were largely used by dicks. Instead salt-of-the-earth Noughties kids enjoyed wholesome activities like happy slapping an innocent bystander and filming it on a WAP-enabled Motorola Razr V3 they’d stolen.
The Star Wars films were slightly less shit
Attack of the Clones was total bollocks but Natalie Portman wore revealing clothes for the dads. And Hayden Christensen whinging about sand getting everywhere at least challenged the audience, unlike The Rise of Skywalker. Rey Skywalker? Piss off.
Stealing music felt so great
After decades of buying albums for the one good track and making compilations on cassette that got eaten by your mate’s sister’s car, suddenly you could steal whatever music you wanted. What a buzz to find out Bloc Party were shit without it costing you £9.99.
YouTube normalised geeky weirdos
As charlieissocoollike proved, even gawky teens playing ukulele songs about Doctor Who could find an audience thanks to the fledgling video website. Nowadays it makes you sit through two pre-roll ads to a song you own but can’t be bothered to find on Spotify.
Anything looks good compared to the 2010s
In reality, the Noughties were just as crap as any other decade. But even boot-cut jeans and Daniel Powter’s Bad Day age well after a decade of austerity, Brexit and Donald Trump. Remember protesting against the Iraq war? We were so naive and hopeful.
