London does my head in, says reanimated Dr Johnson

THE newly-reanimated 18th century writer Dr Johnson is not enjoying modern London.

Johnson, who famously wrote “when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life” had been put in a crude sort of suspended animation in a barrel of special port, until science could cure his gout.

Reanimated Johnson has complained about the toxic dust on the tube and all the other shit 21st century Londoners have to deal with.

He said: “London was so much better back in the day, by which I mean the 18th century.

“Sure there was the odd decomposing corpse littering the street but there was much less pushing and shoving.

“Also in our coffee houses there was only one sort of coffee, none of that complicated mocha-choca-chino horseshit.

“Everyone was having really interesting debates about the Enlightenment instead of going on about diets and their careers.

“And all the carriages weren’t plastered with adverts for baldness clinics and poor quality university courses.

“The last straw came when I ventured into this huge cobbler’s shop called something like ‘Nike & Sons’. It was a gaudy vision of Hell, decorated with images of people fleeing from their own insanity.

“Anyway, I’m moving to Swindon.”

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Britain faces exploding chin epidemic

YOU will not be able to walk down the street without some woman’s botoxed chin exploding all over you.

Experts have warned that the increase in cosmetic surgery will lead to an epidemic of faces that look like they are either melting or being dismantled by a gang of cockney builders.

Julian Cook, Professor of What Were You Thinking at Roehampton University, said: “Because of programmes like The Only Way is Essex this country is full of complete and utter, grade-A fucknuts.

“If I was you I would pretend to be a cosmetic surgeon and when one of these cretins walks in off the street, fill their forehead with Angel Delight and charge them fifty quid.”