Scottish currency to be mickle or bawbee

AN independent Scotland will launch its own currency that sounds like something out of a Robert Burns poem.

Previous plans to keep the pound but call it ‘the poond’ have been abandoned in favour of a new currency, with officials debating a mickle-muckle decimal system versus ‘the bawbee’, which would be pegged to the Icelandic Krona.

Martin Bishop, chief economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: “Scotland’s thriving exports of oil, gas and teacakes, balanced against relatively small imports of Mars Bars, giant pandas and heroin, should give them a strong currency.

“The mickle, the bawbee or the hirey will initially lack credibility, but it will almost certainly outlast the Euro.”

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Humanity to be destroyed by boredom

HUMANITY will be destroyed by its need to keep dicking about with things for no reason, academics have warned.

The Institute for Studies examined key threats to human civilisation and found that everyone will be killed by either a pointless robot or a scientist who fused tuberculosis with Chocolate Buttons.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Next time you see one of those over-excited news reports on some fascinating piece of new technology, wait for the bit where the inventor is asked what it’s actually for.

“They will look a bit confused for a second and then they’ll just say, ‘stuff’.”

He added: “Apart from a handful of cures, we already have everything we need. Yes we do. Shut it.”

Professor Brubaker explained that the ‘household robot’ you will one day own will kill you, not because it becomes self-aware, but because one rainy afternoon you will open up the back of it ‘for something to do’ and you will be immediately electrocuted.

Or the robot, being a mass-produced electronic machine, will break down and fall on top of you, rendering you unconscious and therefore unable to retrieve genetically modified mega-cheese from your smart-fridge.

Professor Brubaker said: “And if you somehow survive the ‘Age of the Robots’ you’ll probably be killed by a watch that’s also a hammock.”