Madonna’s Former Home Destroyed By Jesus

POP star Madonna’s childhood home in Detroit has been burned to the ground in an apparent revenge attack by Jesus. 

Witnesses spotted the Son of God last Friday evening at an Exxon service station in the Detroit suburb of Rochester, where he was seen filling a large metal canister with petrol.

The Prince of Peace then crossed the road to the Stop'n'Go convenience store where he bought a packet of J-Cloths and a large box of safety matches.

Security footage from the rear of the store shows Jesus taking bottles from the recycling bank, filling them carefully with the petrol and then stuffing them with the cloths, before placing them in a cardboard box and heading for the nearest bus stop.

Nikki Hoberman, a cashier, said: "Jesus walked right up to me and asked me where Madonna used to live. He looked upset. I said to him, 'what you gonna do Jesus?' and he said he was gonna find that house and torch it.

"I said to him, 'why Jesus, why?' and he just looked straight at me said, 'Like a Virgin? Like a Prayer? Like a fuckin' skank more like. It's barbecue time.

"Then he started goin' on and on about Kaballah and how he didn't get 'nailed to a goddamn tree' just to see a Catholic girl sign up for some 'pervert Jewish witchcraft'."

She added: "He wasn't too happy about the cover version of American Pie either."

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Leaderless French Army Unable To Retreat

THE French army was in chaos last night after the resignation of its most senior general left it temporarily unable to retreat.

General Bruno Cuche quit his post after one of his soldiers shot 17 civilians at a military show instead of just putting down his gun and running away.

The general's shock departure left the army chain of command in disarray with senior officers unsure who was now responsible for ordering retreats and surrenders.

Guy Delafarge, a captain stationed in east Afghanistan, said: "We were 'iding in a cave like usual, waiting for ze order to run away, but it did not come.

"I get on ze radio and demand zey pull us out, as Alain was sure he 'ear someone step on a twig. And anyway, we were down to ze last dozen bottles of ze Chateau Gazin '82.

"But zey tell me I 'ave to stay put, take my chances with ze Taleban and drink ze '84. I refuse! I say I will not endanger my men. Ze '84 is ze worst vintage since we surrender to ze Nazis in '41!"

Military historian Denys Finch-Hatton said the current inability of the French to retreat could give them the advantage of surprise.

He added: "This could be the first time since the Battle of the Marne in 1914 that they will have had to fight for more than 20 minutes."