Meghan does some shit that would have been magical if it was Kate

THE Duchess of Sussex has humiliated herself, the Royal Family and Britain by doing things that would have been charmingly whimsical if Kate did them. 

Meghan Markle ground the good name of the Windsors into the California dirt by performing idiotic pranks for television, while if the Duchess of Cambridge performed the exact same pranks they would show what a good sport she is. 

Royalist Margaret Gerving said: “Is there no low the filthy, gold-digging hussy won’t stoop to? No gutter she won’t piss in? 

“Singing a stupid cat song, dancing to Buster Poindexter, drinking hot sauce from a baby bottle? I’ve never been so ashamed. Harry should be kidnapped by the SAS and made to sign divorce papers at gunpoint. 

“But if alluring, winsome Kate had gleefully taken part in these pranks I would have been chuckling with delight at what a breath of fresh air she is, just what the Royals need. 

“Even the Queen would have loved seeing Kate gamely dancing on the LA streets, modernising the institution of monarchy with such natural grace. Instead that cavorting attention-seeker has disgraced us all.” 

American Sophie Rodriguez said: “Interesting. Because for me it proved how powerful and independent Meghan is, while if Kate had done the same it’d be shameless pandering from a white colonialist bitch.”

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Nice broadcasting corporation you got there, shame if something were to happen to it. By Nadine Dorries

HEY, BBC. I like the broadcasting corporation you got there. David Attenborough. Nice. Real national treasure. Strictly Come Dancing. Light entertainment a country can really sink its teeth into. Like I say, nice.

Nice building you got there, too, Broadcasting House. Real historical. I like that. ‘Nation Shall Speak Unto Nation’. That’s classy. And Radio 4. Thought For The Day. The Archers, the freaking Archers, stretching way back and shit.

So all I’m saying is, a broadcasting corporation should mind how it goes. Watch its step. Remember who controls its purse strings.

We all like to settle down as a family and watch BBC Ten O’Clock News. But let’s not bullshit, we know it’s a nest of pinkos and lefties – Laura Kuenssberg, Andrew Neil. Snakes who make out that the Conservatives are making a pig’s ass of things when we all know everything’s going real smooth.

Sure, we got a few internal difficulties right now but we’ll straighten them out. And if our Mr Johnson makes a gaffe here or closes a high speed railway line there, do us a favour – look the other way, huh? 

Because it’d be a shame after all these decades if your interfering reporting meant we had to abolish your commie asses and that nice piece of prime real estate off Oxford Street got sold as private apartments to our friends from Russia and Saudi Arabia. 

Just think. No more documentaries about saving the blue whale and shit, or Doctor Freakin’ Who, any of that stuff. And you saps scratching around for jobs on the QVC Channel.

Just be nice, that’s all we ask. Be nice, huh? Or sleep with the fishes.